"Guard your heart." Um, yea, about that...

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For pretty much as long as I can remember I've heard Proverbs 4:23 quoted as something of a warning against investing too deeply in someone (particularly a member of the opposite sex) prematurely, lest they end up disappointing you.  I always understood the logic behind such a precautionary measure, and yet there was also always something about it that just didn't sit right with me.  For years I chalked that up to my own stubbornness and the idea that I was too foolhardy to embrace common sense, but at some point over the past couple years I started to recognize a better reason that interpretation of this proverb just didn't resonate with me.

It's completely antithetical to the Gospel of God's Kingdom.

Allow me to step away from the proverb for a moment.  Something God really impressed upon my heart last year was the fact that if I'm supposedly a part of this Kingdom where Jesus reigns, that means I no longer get to assume the throne in my own life.  And another thing He really impressed upon me last year was the fact that submitting my life to Christ should lead to restored relationships in all facets of my life -- which I began to realize had a lot more to do with my choosing to love others selflessly than keeping up with a list of do's and don't's.  This is where Christianity -- in its pure sense -- breaks away from all other religions.  The main point is LOVE.

Now back to the proverb, how does a call to love selflessly fit in with the idea that we should "guard our hearts" by keeping a safe distance from certain people to ensure that we don't get hurt or disappointed?  Well, if you ask me, it doesn't.  It surely isn't what Jesus modeled during His time upon the earth, as He faced rejection, ingratitude, and betrayal time after time.  These things never once caused Jesus to pull back and withhold His love.  (Now, granted, He had harsh words for a few people, but if memory serves me correctly, those words were reserved for the religious leaders who were making it difficult for people to connect with Him.  I've pointed this out before and I undoubtedly will again, simply because I think it's a truth too many of us have lost sight of in our quest for personal right-ness.  But alas, I digress.)

If I am being transformed to look more like Jesus, why would I interpret a Scripture that urges me to guard my heart as a warning that I should somehow limit the investments I make in other people, lest I experience some form of pain as a result?  Would it not be more reflective of His life to guard my heart against things like bitterness, jealousy, pride, and unforgiveness -- things that lead to broken relationships -- and to be willing to take the risk of caring deeply for other people, even if they don't all care deeply for me in return?

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There is a scene in M. Night Shyamalan's film "The Village" in which the leader of the town in which the movie is set has allowed his blind daughter to venture beyond the sequestered, supposedly safe confines of their small community in order to seek advanced medicine for the badly-injured man she loves.  The other leaders are appalled when they learn of this since their entire purpose in forming the community was to keep its members sheltered from the evils outside.  As they voice their frustrations with his decision, he emphatically declares, "Yes, I have risked!  I hope I am always able to risk everything for the just and right cause!"  And what is that "just and right cause" but love?  "The world moves for love," he says softly, moments later.  "It kneels before it in awe."

I want to live my life with a willingness to risk for the sake of love.  My friend Lisa who lives in Nicaragua wrote an affecting piece last September about a girl in her community who is living in this very tension, and it has stuck with me ever since.  I know it is risky to love freely.  I know at times it will lead to pain.  But you know what?  For one thing, pain is a little easier to bear when you know you're following a call to something beautiful.  And for another thing, it's not all painful.  Loving freely brings about a great deal of joy and beauty, too, that wouldn't be found without taking the risk of opening up your heart to other people.

So do yourself a favor.  Guard your heart, but guard it against the fear of allowing it to do what it was made to do:  LOVE.  After all, elsewhere in the Bible we're told that perfect love drives out fear.  In the words of Rend Collective Experiment, "Real love is not afraid to bleed."  Yes, sometimes we will bleed.  Jesus did.  He seemed to believe it was a risk worth taking.  And so do I.

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I came across two great pieces on this topic yesterday.  Click here or here if you're interested in reading them.

Re-thinking Relationships

What's this?  Two blogs in less than a week?  After three and a half months of silence?  Well, yes and no.  Actually, the bulk of what I'm posting tonight was written prior to the last blog I posted before my extended period of silence, but it never made its way off the pages of my notebook and onto my computer screen until tonight.  Why am I posting it now?  Well, because I stumbled across it Sunday afternoon when I pulled out my notebook to start composing my most recent blog, and when I reread it I thought, "Dang, those were really good thoughts!"  Ha!  Basically these are some ideas that I think challenge the way a lot of us approach relationships, but rather than elaborating on that any further, I'll let the ideas speak for themselves...

Idea #1:  Be who God made you, not who you think someone else wants.

To begin with, trying to be someone other than yourself is not sustainable.  Let's say you're able to present another persona and gain someone's attention.  Then what happens when the true you surfaces?  More importantly, though, God has made you the way you are*, with a specific set of gifts and passions and experiences, for a reason.  You have a unique role to play in His Kingdom.  If you attempt to override His design for you, you may miss out on things He has called you specifically to do.

What I'm not saying:  Never consider where you might need adjustment.  God gave you a unique design, but even that God-given design needs to be examined and transformed as you submit to His guidance in your life.

Idea #2:  Stop seeking the perfect person.

The truth is, no matter how Christ-like someone is, he or she is still human*.  We all experience ebbs and flows in our faith journey.  We all face seasons of doubt, discouragement, and weakness.  We all have areas of immaturity.  These things do not make a person unworthy of your love and relationship.  Instead of seeking the person who has it most together, seek someone who admits his or her shortcomings and humbly pursues growth.

What I'm not saying:  Throw all your standards out the window and enter into a relationship with just anyone.  Sometimes a person legitimately needs to undergo some expansive character transformation before a serious relationship could possibly be healthy.

Idea #3:  Look beyond the surface.

Just because a girl is physically attractive does not mean she will fulfill your God-given desires.  And just because a guy pays attention to you does not mean he knows how to truly express your God-given value.  Is this person trustworthy?  Does he or she genuinely appreciate you?  Can you see yourself growing old with this person when beauty has faded and energy has waned?  Is he or she a proven friend?

What I'm not saying:  It's not okay to be attracted to someone's appearance or personality.  These are fine things; they just aren't the most important things.

Idea #4:  Give people a chance.

I don't know how long ago the concept of "friend zoning" someone came into play, and perhaps this trend has come and gone already unbeknownst to me, but I feel like it's a pretty ridiculous way of thinking.  I probably wouldn't have said this even as recently as a couple of months ago, largely because I wouldn't have wanted to subject myself to the possibility of giving certain people a chance, but God has been shifting my thinking when it comes to this.  If someone is already a friend, it seems to me that this should qualify rather than disqualify them for your consideration.  Why?  Because I would hope one of our primary qualifications for any romantic relationship is friendship.  Though I definitely have an easier time picturing myself with some people than others, God has softened my heart to the idea of giving pretty much anyone with whom I already have an established friendship a chance, given the opportunity.  There's no telling what might be right under our noses that we could potentially miss out on by prematurely dismissing certain people as "just friends."

What I'm not saying:  You should try casually dating all your friends.  That might be a little extreme.  Just be open to the possibility that something deeper could possibly develop from a pre-existing friendship.  Don't over think it* too soon.

Idea #5:  Recognize that romantic relationships are in no way separated from our calling to represent Christ's Kingdom in a broken world.

I think many of even the most committed followers of Christ tend to unwittingly view romance through a compartmentalized lens, buying into the pursuit of chemistry and emotion.  In reality it should be something more than that:  the joining of two lives already actively bringing glimpses of Christ's Kingdom to the world around them in unique ways designed by God for each individual, now entering into a lifelong pursuit of continuing to reflect His Kingdom as a team.  Sometimes I think the world sees certain things more clearly than we do, and to quote some wisdom offered up by Maroon 5, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies; it's compromise that moves us along."  The Gospel is a call to die to self, and if anything, a relationship that could lead to marriage will probably require more of our sacrifice than any other relationship.  This is not a bad thing.  It is hard, but it is good.

What I'm not saying:  Put away the confetti, romantic relationships are actually a killjoy.  A good relationship won't be oppressive, it just won't be easy.  It will be a challenge, but it has the potential to be beautiful.  To quote some more wisdom, this time from Mat Kearney, "Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy."

That's the end of what I wrote back in May.  To wrap this up tonight, I guess the main point I want to get across is that sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in wanting to BE and wanting to FIND the perfect mate, we get lost and forget we will never BE nor FIND such a thing* so long as we live in a broken world.  And along with that, people can surprise you.  That super quiet girl who was home schooled can turn out to be incredibly witty.  That guy who frustrated you with his Facebook arguments can turn out to have a huge heart for segments of culture that tend to be misunderstood.  The guy who is loud and crazy can turn out to have really deep thoughts about investing in a church community.  Don't take yourself too seriously, and don't be too quick to judge others.  Love the people in your life, take the time to really get to know them, and keep an open mind.  God may have something amazing in store that we never would have sought out or expected on our own.

*I highly encourage you to read the articles I linked to in this post.  There is some great food for thought in each one!

An Environment of Welcoming

Last week I had conversations with two people within a three-day time span in which each person shared with me some recent events in his/her life that had been frowned upon by other Christians.  Both individuals were aware of the perception with which they would likely be viewed, but that didn't make the feelings of judgment or even ostracism any less hurtful.  (Let me clarify that neither person had done anything blatantly sinful -- although even if they had, haven't we all??)  Each of these friends expressed gratitude that I had been willing to listen to their stories without judging them or acting as though they were sliding down a slippery slope into the fiery pit of hell.  (I may have taken some liberties with exactly how they expressed that last part...)

I don't say any of this to congratulate myself but rather to ask why those of us who follow a God we describe as all-powerful often act as though He can only work in and through people when they display what we would consider to be impeccable decision-making.  If our God is so big, why do we so often think another person's seemingly risky choices are going to prevent God's movement in his or her life?  I am well aware that there are some decisions and behaviors that are clearly harmful to others (or to one's self) and I'm not suggesting we ought NEVER to intervene in another person's life.  But why are we so quick to jump to fear-induced pleas, expressions of disappointment, or worse yet, threats?

What bothers me most is knowing these friends of mine didn't perceive their fellow Christians as safe places to share their stories (and sadly with good reason).  If anything, I would hope that we who follow the Jesus with whom prostitutes and tax collectors felt at home would create a refuge to which all people could come to be real, to be vulnerable, to be met with love and grace - and yes, truth, but not the sort of truth that slaps someone across the face (it seems to me that Jesus reserved that sort of truth for those supposed followers of God who made life difficult for other people...if you're in that category, then okay, maybe you need that kind of truth, but my friends did not) but the sort of truth that embraces someone, flaws and all, and says, "I understand.  I'm broken, too, and I may not have an easy answer for you, but I will walk with you through this.  You are not alone."

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the church seems to rely a lot on fear, guilt, and shame to manipulate people into "appropriate" behavior.  I'm not exactly sure how that demonstrates the fact that Christ came to offer us forgiveness and freedom, but somehow it doesn't seem to me that fear or guilt or shame are exactly what Jesus had in mind when He came to proclaim the good news of His Kingdom...

This scene from The Office has always made me laugh, but sometimes I fear we as Christians echo Michael's statement to Toby when we encounter someone doing something we don't approve of.



I don't know about you, but it's God's grace and mercy that keep me clinging to Him, not some sense that He's going to "get me" if I don't behave.  I don't know when we started thinking that manipulation was part of our calling as Christians, but I wholeheartedly believe there is a better way.  A right way, actually.  And the last thing I want to do as a Christian is foster an environment within the body of Christ in which people feel they have to either put up walls or get out.

This was my fortune at Panda Express two weeks ago.  No joke.

I was sort of blindsided recently after I opened up to someone and was essentially asked not to share the part of my life I opened up about.  I'm an extremely trusting person (perhaps to a fault), but I really believe my openness with others is a big factor in why many people such as the two friends I mentioned earlier are comfortable opening up to me about sensitive subject matter they're hesitant to share with others.  And I think that's the way it should be in the church.  What is the church if we have to hide when we show up?  How can God produce genuine transformation in us if we're just masquerading as though we've already got it all together?

I have another friend who decided last year to start letting go of his facade, to start being real about the broken parts of his life.  He may not always say the most appropriate things these days, but do you know what he does do?  He loves people well.  He makes others feel welcome and included.  And to me, this reflects Jesus more than his previous charade.

It's not until people know they are loved and accepted exactly as they are that they can experience genuine, heart-level transformation.  Outward behaviors should undoubtedly follow suit (though we should not be too quick to assume a lack of inner transformation if those behaviors are slow to materialize, because the truth is transformation is a life-long process), but if the heart is not affected first, any outward change is only superficial.  And last I heard, Jesus was not a big fan of white-washed tombs...

I visited a church this morning where a friend of mine was leading worship, and the pastor's message was exactly in line with these things God has been speaking to my heart lately.  One of his points was that we should "reject shame as a motivator."  He reminded us that shame has never changed anyone's life, and while this doesn't mean we never confront sin, it does mean that we should only confront it from a stature of grace, not judgment.

He also said that we ought not to be rule-based and reminded us that Jesus had but two "rules":  1. Love God.  2. Love others.  He compared the Christian life to football, saying that the object of a football game is to score points (preferably more than the opposing team, of course), not simply to avoid penalties.  Likewise, the goal for the Christian is to LOVE, not to simply avoid missteps.  To paraphrase what he said, a win for us is to love our neighbor enough to share the love of Jesus, NOT to carry a flag in our pocket to throw at another Christian...just to play penalty-free is not the "win."

We would do well to remember this - to love more, to judge less.  To let people be real.  To listen and not to condemn.  To foster an environment of welcoming rather than a masquerade.

May we truly love unconditionally -- just as Christ loves us.

Let's Be Honest

Yesterday after church I headed to a local coffee shop that I visit once a week to do some reading and writing.  The guy working knew me because of my frequent visits, and yesterday as we were talking he asked me my age.  I answered somewhat reluctantly and was delighted when he expressed genuine shock and said he would have guessed I was [12 years young than my actual age].

One might wonder why it matters to me, but I can point to at least two reasons without giving it a second thought.  First, I always expected I'd be married long before now, and being reminded of the age I've now reached without seeing that dream realized is usually painful.  Second, it would take at least two (and in some cases three) hands to count the years between my age and that of pretty much all my single male friends, and while age difference isn't a big deal to me, I fear it may be to them, and I am therefore not eager to draw attention to its existence.

Now my life has, for as long as I can remember, been filled with wonderful experiences and far more than my fair share of amazing friends.  If I'd married before now, I almost undoubtedly would have missed out on at least some percentage of these blessings, and honestly I wouldn't trade the latter for the former.  But that in no way diminishes the desire I have or the ache its deferment often produces in my heart.

Here's something that's not helpful for people like me (and perhaps this is why I so rarely broach this subject except with the closest of friends):  offering cliched statements intended to be encouraging.

"The right person is out there, just be patient and trust God's timing."
"Enjoy your singleness!  You have so much freedom!"
"When you stop looking, that's when it happens."
"Focus on God and He'll bring that person into your life."
"God is preparing you so you'll be ready at the right time."

Now there is definitely some truth within these statements.  There is also just enough misguided advice and lack of empathy to make me feel like I've been slapped in the face (albeit unintentionally) each time I'm on the receiving end.  While I truly believe people who say such things do so with the best of intentions, such statements unfortunately ignore a few basic truths that can produce unwarranted burden in the life of the hearer.

1.  A spouse is not a guaranteed part of God's story for everyone.

2.  While marriage does bring responsibilities that can limit opportunities, I would hope that those of us who follow Christ do not view marriage as a closed door on freedom but rather a new context through which to experience various facets of life.  I do realize many people are facing trying marriages, and I do not want to minimize such difficult situations.  But I don't believe God intended for us to view marriage as limiting, or else He probably would have said something in Genesis more along the lines of, "It will be perfectly fine for Adam to function as a singular unit," than, "It is not good for man to be alone."

3.  God's story for each person is different.  Some people find their mate when they're not looking.  Some find that person in the midst of the hunt.  Some are focused on God when the relationship begins.  Some are not.  God does not hold every person to some standard set of requirements before entering into marriage.

4.  No one is ever fully "ready."  Granted, some are better prepared than others, but I imagine even the best marriages must involve a good deal of trial and error.

I'm currently reading Rick McKinley's book, This Beautiful Mess, and in it he describes a time when his son was admitted to the hospital with an undiagnosed illness.  He explains with candor his and his wife's pain and fear during the episode as well as the responses of people around them and their effects on his family.

During those weeks, some well-meaning people gave us the right answers.  "God knows what's happening," they said.  Or, "Josh will be fine because we're praying."  The right answers seem right to say, of course, and seem right when you hear them, but they don't help much.  To be honest, the right answers began to make us angry.  Somehow Christians have a hard time saying things like, "I don't know why the hell this is happening or how this will end.  You guys must be scared to death."  I guess we all need to be able to explain life down to every last detail even when the answers don't mean anything to us.  We just can't stand the questions.  But in the kingdom of God, I have come to believe, it is all right not to have all the answers, and I think Jesus likes it even more when we don't make up ones that are safe and easy but hollow. 

Just because people prayed did not mean that Josh would be okay. 

Just because God knew what was happening didn't mean I did.  Or that I knew how God would intervene for our family.   

Just because I knew a Bible verse that says God will answer when I pray didn't mean I wouldn't lose my kid to some stupid killer infection.  His answers are not always my answers.

Here are the two most meaningful things that have ever been said to me in regard to my struggle with singleness:

"I look at you, and I just think, 'God...what the heck?'" 

"I don't know what things I'd be thinking about myself if I were your age and not married...you care deeply, feel deeply, relate with passion, you give yourself to people and causes that are important to you...you may be unmarried but this is not because you are lacking in ANY way."

No trying to resolve my situation.  No trying to explain it.  Simply acknowledging my pain, giving me permission to feel it, and suggesting that my situation is not the result of some failure on my part.

Rick McKinley goes on to talk about how God's Kingdom showed up even in the midst of his frightening and painful experience while his son was suffering.

The kingdom of God is the kingdom of life, health, beauty, salvation, and freedom to name just a few of its qualities.  The enemy of the kingdom, whom the Bible refers to as Satan, is always attacking that life and health and beauty.  He attacks spiritual freedom; he wants us to be paralyzed.  His relentless attacks are why things are not the way they are supposed to be...yet. 

But there in the midst of the tension, the kingdom of God still comes crashing in.  It usually crashes in quietly though.  God showed up all through our situation with Josh: 

Nurses who were kind. 

Gut-busting laughter that he and I shared during our hours in the hospital room. 

A friend who arranged for the guitarist from one of Josh's favorite bands to come to the hospital.  That was really cool. 

People who prayed and watched our kids and loved us.  People who sat with us, cried with us, laughed with us.  

In those moments, the tension receded.  It had to wait while the love of God filled the room and flooded our hearts.  The kingdom of darkness and ugliness, for those hours, was pushed outside the door by grace. 

I realized that God didn't create or send Josh's sickness and that He was not distant or unaware of it either.  God's kingdom is present and real.  He knows if a sparrow falls to the ground, Jesus said.  But that doesn't mean God flicked the sparrow off the tree.  Rather He is present and aware and caring, even in the tension of death and sickness.  And in its own ways, Jesus' kingdom breaks in.

As I read McKinley's story, it resonated with me in light of my own recurring struggle with pain over my singleness.  I recently came face-to-face once again with the reality that nothing is even on the horizon in the way of my dream of being a wife, and suddenly I was compelled to find some life pursuit that would be fulfilling even if I never get married.  And so, long story short, tomorrow I begin my college career, pursuing my AA in Psychology with the hope of being able to offer people some form of counseling some day.

God has been insanely faithful in providing for this new pursuit.  I enrolled in school having no idea how I'd pay for it, but two weeks ago I received an unexpected check that covered my whole summer tuition with $6 to spare.  The next day I received another unexpected check from friends who wanted to enable me to buy a laptop.  While I was humbled and thrilled by God's provision, a nagging voice in the back of my head began urging me to notice how God's provision for my new educational pursuits compared to His seeming lack of provision for my long-time desire to be a wife.  It suggested that He found the former to be worthy of His blessing while the latter didn't matter to Him.  I had to repeatedly shift my thinking, telling God I did NOT, in fact, believe He was holding out on me but that I trusted He was blessing my new direction to confirm that I was on the right track and this did not mean my prior dream was off the table with Him.

In the midst of this inner struggle as I read Rick McKinley's account of encountering the Kingdom of God even in the midst of his pain, I immediately thought of all the beautiful friendships God has blessed me with.  I've been on a journey with many of these friends over the past year in which we've been discovering what the Gospel really means for our lives and what it looks like for us to pursue righteousness (in the context of right relationships) even in the midst of a broken world, and it has been incredible.  Just a few days after this recent bout of discouragement, I spent an evening with quite a few of these friends, eating, talking, and laughing, in what was for me an unmistakable glimpse of God's Kingdom "crashing in quietly" even in the midst of my own pain.

I could have involved myself in another church at any point over the past few years in an attempt to increase my odds of "finding someone."  But I've always believed God is big enough to provide for my dream, if that's part of His plan for me, even as I continue to invest in the only church family I've known in Reno, whether that's through someone He will bring to that church family in the future or someone I'll meet in another setting or someone who's already there but as of yet is "just" a friend.  And if this dream is not part of God's plan for me, well, I'll still keep walking through life surrounded by a community I love with all my heart.

I sit here typing this on my brand new laptop feeling genuinely excited about the new chapter of life I'll enter tomorrow as I begin my college career.  When I first decided to go back to school, I didn't feel like God was telling me I needed to replace my old dream with a new one but rather He had a bigger dream for me than I had for myself, one in which He would use me not only primarily in one person's life through marriage but also in many other lives through counseling.  Though I've wrestled to hold on to this belief, and to accept the possibility that it will not come to fruition, my trust in the story God is writing for me remains intact amidst the tension.

I know I'm not the only person in my circle of friends who shares the desire for someone with whom to walk through life.  I also know I'm not the only one who has struggled with having that dream deferred, or who has experienced frustration at being offered simplistic answers that do little to address the painful longing.  One of my prayers for my community is that we will foster an environment in which we can simply be real and honest with each other, acknowledging the tension between our dreams and desires and the disappointments and heartaches that come with living in a broken world.  And I pray we will sense God's Kingdom crashing quietly and beautifully into our lives through the simple knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles.

Living a Good Story

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In two days (weather permitting) I'll be heading north to spend a long weekend in Oregon. I read several books earlier this year that were, coincidentally, all set in Portland, and I also saw a movie based on one of those books which gave me some visuals to go along with what I'd read, and after reading about the city and seeing it on the big screen, I decided that I'd like to visit it myself as soon as I could. Two friends and I made plans to visit a mutual friend in Salem this weekend before spending a couple of days in Portland. In anticipation of our trip, I began rereading one of those set-in-Portland books last weekend, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I don't think it's an accident that I'm reading it again right now. This book is all about recognizing that our lives are telling a story and learning to make choices that contribute to a story that is compelling -- living in such a way that, if put on paper, our stories would actually be worth reading.

Unless you're new to my blog, you've probably picked up on the fact that this year has been pretty revolutionary for me as a follower of Jesus. The best way I can describe it is to borrow the words of the apostle Paul and say that God has been leading me through a process of "being transformed by the renewing of my mind." My brother likes to call this process "worldview transformation." Essentially this means that the way I look at all of life has changed, and as a result, so has the way I interact with the world around me. There are so many elements that have created the framework that now comprises my worldview, many of which I've written about in previous posts (in particular, much clearer understandings of God's grace, the Gospel, and the Kingdom of God; Christ's call to live a life of humility by dying to self; God's design for the Christian life to be lived in community and His heart for unity within the Church; and clearer understandings of spiritual gifts and personality types, among other things). ALL of these facets of my worldview have led to shifts in attitudes and actions, in how I live my life.

When I read A Million Miles back in the spring, I think I was vaguely aware that God was doing something new and significant in my life, but there was no way I could have known at that time what a deep impact this new work was going to have. What I'm noticing as I read the book this time around is that the way God has transformed my thinking this year has led me to live a better story, just as the book had suggested months ago. I think learning to embrace the call to die to self has been particularly important, because I can think of multiple decisions I've made -- primarily about how to spend portions of my time -- by running my options through the filter of dying to self that would have played out differently before God began this season of transformation in my life. Dying to self is what has led me to:

• go downtown (alone!) to watch a friend's dance performance after youth group instead of going straight home and crashing for the night
• message someone who had unfriended me on Facebook to see if there was an offense I needed to make right instead of becoming self-righteous and indignant
• commit an entire Saturday to gather with a handful of friends to fast and pray for our church
• attend a barbecue with a houseful of people outside of my usual social circle (quite a challenge for an introvert) in an effort to build community and promote unity in my church family
• drive all the way across town on a Saturday evening to watch someone perform at an open mic night instead of staying planted on my futon watching old episodes of "Arrested Development"

Now PLEASE understand, I am in no way trying to give myself a pat on the back for doing any of these things. I fear some may infer, not only from this brief list of life examples but also from my frequent & enthusiastic sharing of what God is teaching me (whether that's here or on Facebook), that I'm seeking the praise of man, but that is not my goal at all. I am not so deluded as to think I've somehow arrived, and I am fully aware that I have plenty of room to continue learning and growing for the duration of my time here on earth! But at the same time, praise God, by His grace there HAS been progress in my life this year in areas I previously withheld from Him, and I've discovered that when you start surrendering to Him and begin to taste life as I believe He really intended it to be, your natural response is simply to share it because it is SO GOOD! I only share some specific examples of ways I've chosen to die to self this year because I am suddenly realizing each of those instances has contributed to a better story being told through my life than if I'd acted from a more natural [read: selfish] response, and that brings joy to my heart.

Here's the truth about telling stories with your life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you are going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it...People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.
-Donald Miller

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A few days ago I was wrestling with frustration over some of the meaningless stories that are being lived out in this world, but as I was pouring out my frustration to God, He began speaking to my heart and shifting my perspective to how I myself can continue to seek ways to live a better story with my own life. As I began to consider how I can improve the story my life is telling, my frustration began to fade. I can't always affect the story someone else is telling, but when I'm in a funk, there is almost always something I can do to make my own story a better one. It's rarely easy, but it's ALWAYS worth it.

I HOPE that I am increasingly living my life in a way that reflects the story of Jesus to the people around me and draws them closer to His Kingdom. I hope that the smaller stories I live within the larger story of my life, which is only a drop in the ocean of the grand story of God's work in the world, are telling a story of irrepressible hope and joy that flows from my belief that God is in the business of restoring His original good design for mankind. I believe He created us in His image to live beautifully in right relationships -- with Him and with others and with our environment -- and to be conduits of love and creativity and justice and mercy in this world. And although we are surrounded by brokenness and are broken ourselves, and although we have all rebelled against God, because of Jesus' death and resurrection, I believe redemption is possible. As we learn to die to self and embrace Christ's lordship, submitting to Him as our just and merciful King, He transforms us so that we increasingly reflect His image and His Kingdom to the world around us. And nothing reflects His Kingdom more than our reconciled relationships -- with God, fellow believers, family, those who don't share our faith, friends, enemies, possessions, creation, self, etc.

This is the story of restoration, and I hope that it is the story my life is telling, because there is no greater story to tell!

to set free those who are oppressed

Wednesday night my parents and I happened to catch the movie "Mississippi Burning" just as it was coming on TV. As we watched, there were points at which I felt deeply troubled by what I was seeing. Even more than the horrific way the whites treated the black community, I was disturbed by the oppression I saw as evidenced by the black community's refusal to speak up about the injustices being committed. It reminded me of what I saw in "The Help," which also deeply troubled me.

A couple of days later I was looking at a worksheet my brother recently created that's intended to help people identify different aspects of God's design for them as individuals. One question on the worksheet asked, "What makes you mad?" I immediately thought of oppression. It's not just the historical racial oppression I see portrayed in movies that angers me, it's also the spiritual oppression I see in the lives of people I know personally. I had already been thinking about this a few weeks ago. I become extremely troubled when I see people I care about, brothers and sisters in Christ, missing out on the full life God intends for them because they're being oppressed by lies that have been fed to them by he who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. The worst of it for me is to see people who have given up fighting. It is not in my nature to give up, and I feel like my spirit is suffocating when I see that someone I care about has resigned him- or herself to the way things are, no longer seeking change because change has been thwarted so many times in the past.

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As I've found freedom in God's grace and living for His Kingdom over the past few months, I've also experienced a deep desire to see others find that same freedom. Jesus said He was sent "to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, and to set free those who are oppressed." We as believers are to carry on the work He began on earth. And lately it seems as though God has been shaping me with a particular draw to the part about setting free those who are oppressed.

Saturday morning I was praying about this and I thought again of "The Help" (the book version of which landed in my hands less than 24 hours after I watched "Mississippi Burning" and really started thinking about how much I hate oppression...coincidence?). I thought about how writing was the tool Skeeter used to fight the oppression she saw in her community. I've always considered myself a writer (though a slow one) and I suddenly wondered whether writing might be a tool through which God is leading me to fight spiritual oppression. I don't have any big ambition in this regard, I just think perhaps through this blog and through various personal communications part of God's design for me might be to fight spiritual oppression through my writing.

I've been re-watching season 4 of Chuck, and yesterday I was watching an episode in which Chuck has been captured during a time when he does not have the intersect, leaving him defenseless against his enemies. Sarah is bound and determined to find him and heads to the roughest part of Thailand when she gets word that's where he's being held. Once she arrives she agrees to fight someone in order to gain information about his specific whereabouts. (Meanwhile Chuck's mind is being poisoned with a substance that is designed to erase his memory.) This is not the only time we see Sarah kicking some tail on this show, but I couldn't help but notice the passion with which she fights in this scene.

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Sarah's passion resonated with me, because I feel passionate about helping to free people (especially people I already care about) whose minds are being poisoned by satan's lies, whose memories of God's truth and faithfulness are being stripped away, and whose hearts are becoming overwhelmed with such hopelessness and despair that they've stopped fighting for freedom. I wish a few powerful punches and a couple of roundhouse kicks would be effective in my situation (and that I knew how to deliver such to begin with, haha!), because it sure would feel good to release some of the frustration I feel when I witness oppression in people's lives! But as it is, it seems the weapons God has given me to use are those of prayer and pen (or keyboard, as it were). So my hope is that I can pray and write with all the fervor and determination I see in Sarah Walker as she fights physically to set Chuck free.

Last weekend I downloaded Josh Garrels' album "Love and War and the Sea In Between" (which, side note, just might be THE most fantastic album I've ever owned), and one of his songs really reflects my heart in all of this. I'll close with the lyrics, and if you'd like to hear the song you can listen at the bottom of the page.

Rise

I hung my head for the last time in surrender and despair
Before I'm dead, I'll take the last climb up the mountain, face my fears
The time has come to make a choice, use my voice for the love of every man
My mind's made up, never again, never again will I turn 'round

Though they may surround me like lions and crush me on all sides
I may fall, but I will rise
Not by my might or my power or by the strength of swords,
Only through Your love, oh Lord
All that's lost will be restored

Take courage sons, for we must go under the heart of darkness to set them free
But don't lose heart when you see the numbers -- there's no measure for the faith we bring
And it's given us to overcome if we run where the Spirit calls us on
The greatest things are yet to come; with the dawn we will rise

Though they may surround me like lions and crush me on all sides
I may fall, but I will rise
Not by my might or my power or by the strength of swords,
Only through Your love, oh Lord
All that's lost will be restored

Jesus, make me an agent of the restoration that comes only through Your love.

Thanksgiving All Year: 431-440

I'm not gonna lie, this has been a challenging week for me, at least mentally speaking. I feel like I've been barraged with an onslaught of doubts and attempts at discouragement from the enemy, and resisting him can be a little bit draining. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm a melancholy, an over-thinker by nature, and therefore I have more thoughts in an average day to take captive to the obedience of Christ than many people probably do. God has been extremely faithful to me throughout this time of testing, though, and looking back over the past few days, I can see that every time I chose to resist doubt and to trust Him, He almost immediately followed my decision with some form of encouragement to spur me on. I tend to be a control freak, and I can say without hesitation this is something God has been chipping away at in my life over the past year... I am determined not to fail this "demanding control" vs. "trusting God" test one more time! Though it is extremely challenging at times, I am really grateful God is working on this area in my life!

As I look back over this past week, I am thankful...

431. For a fun afternoon/evening with the girls at the lake.

My friends can be quite silly but that just makes me love them all the more!

432. For beautiful sunsets.

433. For Pastor Eric's leadership in our Sunday morning young adults group... Somehow the questions he asks as we read through Scripture help me to see past the preconceived notions I've developed growing up in the church (which may or may not accurately reflect Scripture) and shed some of the baggage that keeps me from understanding the Gospel more clearly.

434. For an amazing dad to celebrate on Father's Day.

435. For recognizing progress in my attitude about certain situations in my life.

436. For the beauty in getting a glimpse of how God has gifted different people in our fellowship group.

437. For the sound of wind chimes.

438. For God's grace in giving me specific encouragement -- from His Spirit, from friends, from one of the youth girls I shepherd (youth ministry is not just a one-way street!), and from time with my Thursday afternoon "Living the Gospel" discussion group that reminded me of the bigger picture of life and of God's limitless power and infinite love -- to help support my faith as I choose to stand firm in it, resisting doubt and discouragement.

439. For little Caleb.

440. For the faith that God will carry on to completion the good work He begins in His children, whether circumstances look favorable for that to happen or not.

I pray as your faith faces challenges you will choose to stand firm and trust God no matter what kind of waves may be crashing around you! He will see you through! Have a great weekend, friends.

Blue Like Jazz: Ripples...

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One month ago today, after many years of hearing wonderful things about Blue Like Jazz, I finally borrowed the book and, as you may remember, ended up reading the entire thing in one sitting. This past week I was reflecting on the impact this has had on my life even just a few short weeks, and I wanted to chronicle some of the results, both direct and indirect, of that day.

1. I realized I was NOT, as I'd believed for the past several years, a "non-reader" after all, and I took up reading again. Since that day I have completed four books (Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, both by Donald Miller; Born Standing Up by Steve Martin; and I Am Not But I Know I Am by Louie Giglio) and I am currently over halfway through a fifth book (The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins). As a side note, A Million Miles... and I Am Not... have both had as significant an impact on my thinking as Blue Like Jazz. I'd highly recommend any of these three books as great reading!

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2. In order to take up reading again in a way that might actually be successful, I decided to set aside a few hours each week to go to a coffee shop specifically to read. As I purposed to do that, I also decided to pick one coffee shop and stick with it, in hopes that perhaps I'd develop a rapport with the employees and have an opportunity to reflect Christ to them.

3. Because of the intentional design behind my solo coffee dates, I began to look at my weekly coffee dates with Jessie with more purpose. We already have a good rapport with the guys working at the coffee shop we meet at weekly, so I began to look at that, too, as an opportunity to reflect Christ, and I also began praying for them. After I told Jessie about it, she and I also made this a part of our shared prayer time at the end of our coffee dates!

Jessie and me at the coffee shop we now meet at weekly

This was our first coffee date here!

4. Specific portions of Blue Like Jazz that related to grace and what some might refer to as "friendship evangelism" influenced conversations I had with friends in the days immediately following my reading of it.

5. The whole reason I finally decided to read Blue Like Jazz was because a movie based on the book was releasing on April 13, and I wanted to read the book before I saw the movie. When the movie came out, I ended up going to Sacramento (the nearest city in which it was showing) TWICE in the same weekend to see it ~ once with Ashley, and once with Jessie. Both times, the movie spurred a lot of meaningful, thought-provoking conversation for the drive back to Reno.

With Ashley for my first "Blue Like Jazz"
movie experience!

6. The week after the movie released, I was at my coffee date with Jessie and I had a tote bag with me I was using to carry around a couple of books ("non-reader" no more, haha!) and other items when I realized I had unintentionally brought Blue Like Jazz along with me. I had grabbed it by accident that morning and was surprised to find it in my bag, but as Jessie and I were talking, something in our conversation sparked my memory of a part of the book and I pulled it out to read an excerpt to Jessie. I promise you, no more than 30 seconds had passed when another customer in the coffee shop walked by our table, saw the book in my hand, and stopped to ask if I'd read it. He had it on his shelf at home where it had sat unread for about four years. We talked about it for a few minutes, and he had heard about the movie so I got to tell him a little about that, too, and by the end of our conversation it seemed as though he'd decided to finally pull it off the shelf and read it! I'm telling you, the timing of this encounter was uncanny, especially given the fact that I hadn't even intended to bring the book with me that day!!! Super cool.

7. The encounter I just described was a springboard for gradually increasing confidence on my part in conversing with strangers... Two days later I finally had an opportunity to "break the ice" and find out a little about one of the girls who works in the coffee shop I've been going to to read. The day after that I had a friendly conversation with someone who was at the river when I went to enjoy the beautiful weather we were having last weekend. Today while I was reading at the coffee shop, a man who needed some help with directions for a motorcycle ride approached me and I was able to offer him some assistance, and later, as I was getting in my car to leave, one of the coffee shop employees (actually I think she may be one of the owners, but I'm not sure) was asking me about the guy with the motorcycle so I got to have a short conversation with her, too!

enjoying the river!!!

8. After enjoying my afternoon at the river last week and specifically having that encounter with the woman I met there, I was inspired to consider inviting some friends to join me weekly after church on Sundays this summer for a picnic lunch at a park... I have sort of the same idea for this as for my solo coffee dates, just to visit the same spot on a regular basis with the two-fold purpose of both doing something enjoyable and refreshing and making myself available for opportunities to reflect Christ to whomever I might come in contact with ~ and in this case, inviting others to join me!

9. I ended up reading a significant excerpt from Blue Like Jazz (the entire portion about the confessional booth, in case you've read it and are curious) to my fellowship group this past Tuesday night as we discussed evangelism and how to respond to people who have been legitimately "burned" by Christians in the past. I actually felt sort of bad afterward because I took up so much of our discussion time, but it was so closely related to what we were talking about I couldn't resist sharing it. And I think/hope it was beneficial!

10. As I saw that "Blue Like Jazz" was coming to the end of its unfortunately short run in theaters, I made a last-minute scramble to work out a plan for my friend Zack to see it before it was too late and ended up learning a valuable lesson in perseverance, specifically when it is aimed at someone else's benefit.

with Tara and Zack on the last night "Blue Like Jazz" showed in Sac

I could probably think of a few more direct and/or indirect results of that afternoon I spent reading Blue Like Jazz one month ago today, but I think this pretty well covers most of the highlights! It's hard for me to imagine a lot of these things happening if not for that springboard... It's been so exciting to me to see the ripples that have come from that day, and I'm excited to see what else is in store. I can honestly say I have been more excited about God, about the Gospel, about interacting with other people, and about life in general, this past month than I have been in I couldn't tell you how long, and although I credit God with all of it, I can easily point to my reading of Blue Like Jazz as the stone He dropped in the water that started this ripple effect. I thank Him for it with all my heart!

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Update 4/30/11 - My friend Carrie gave me a heads-up to another blog people are currently linking up to in order to share about books that have changed their lives. This was quite aptly timed for me since I just wrote such a post two days ago! Feel free to check it out if you are so inclined! And check out Carrie's blog while you're at it!

Thanksgiving All Year: 361-370

Ahhh, another lovely week has gone by and I am posting on time once again! And I have lots of pictures to share this week! Hooray!

This week I am thankful...

361. For BEAUTIFUL weather last weekend that enabled me to enjoy both my weekly coffee + reading excursion AND dinner with my parents at our favorite pizza place outdoors on Saturday and also allowed me to spend part of my Sunday afternoon with my feet in the Truckee River while I took pictures, enjoyed God's creation, and re-read a couple of my favorite chapters of Blue Like Jazz.

The tree outside the coffee shop was enjoying the weather, too!

Finally, a photo of the pizza whose praises I've already sung!

blossoms at the park I went to on Sunday

double refreshment!

362. For the beautiful Biblical principles related to what I've heard referred to as "appropriate smallness" ~ recognizing how great God is and how small I am ~ in Louie Giglio's book I Am Not But I Know I Am.

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363. For increased confidence in conversing with strangers, which is allowing me to make more connections with people outside my "Christian bubble."

364. For a co-workers who truly love the Lord and are so much fun to spend time with, whether we're discussing our faith or just laughing together.

We ladies were missing Jane!

365. That God brought the Thompson family to our church last year (through a series of events that makes a pretty awesome story, actually)... I am so thankful for Pastor Eric's heart for the Gospel and his leadership of the young adults.

366. For the people who comprise our fellowship group.

These ladies make the rest of us look more refined!

367. For time with my nephew. (Let's just be honest, this may show up on my list every week for the rest of my life!)

I LOVE his expression here!!!!!!!

Cannot get enough of that precious grin!

368. For deep-fried squash blossoms filled with cheese. Oh my goodness these things are delectable!

That's also dandelion soda! What a cool place!

369. For a life lesson in tenacity and the reward of not giving up on something, especially when it's something you're pursuing for the sake of someone else more than for yourself.

seeing "Blue Like Jazz" with Tara and Zack
on the last night of its run in Sacramento

370. That the Gospel is, in reality, so very simple in spite of the fact that we all too often tend to complicate it.

I have so much to be thankful for... I feel like I just continue to realize more and more how ABUNDANTLY God has blessed me! It's humbling, really. I'm so grateful. I hope you all have a great weekend! Until next time...