Let's Be Honest

Yesterday after church I headed to a local coffee shop that I visit once a week to do some reading and writing.  The guy working knew me because of my frequent visits, and yesterday as we were talking he asked me my age.  I answered somewhat reluctantly and was delighted when he expressed genuine shock and said he would have guessed I was [12 years young than my actual age].

One might wonder why it matters to me, but I can point to at least two reasons without giving it a second thought.  First, I always expected I'd be married long before now, and being reminded of the age I've now reached without seeing that dream realized is usually painful.  Second, it would take at least two (and in some cases three) hands to count the years between my age and that of pretty much all my single male friends, and while age difference isn't a big deal to me, I fear it may be to them, and I am therefore not eager to draw attention to its existence.

Now my life has, for as long as I can remember, been filled with wonderful experiences and far more than my fair share of amazing friends.  If I'd married before now, I almost undoubtedly would have missed out on at least some percentage of these blessings, and honestly I wouldn't trade the latter for the former.  But that in no way diminishes the desire I have or the ache its deferment often produces in my heart.

Here's something that's not helpful for people like me (and perhaps this is why I so rarely broach this subject except with the closest of friends):  offering cliched statements intended to be encouraging.

"The right person is out there, just be patient and trust God's timing."
"Enjoy your singleness!  You have so much freedom!"
"When you stop looking, that's when it happens."
"Focus on God and He'll bring that person into your life."
"God is preparing you so you'll be ready at the right time."

Now there is definitely some truth within these statements.  There is also just enough misguided advice and lack of empathy to make me feel like I've been slapped in the face (albeit unintentionally) each time I'm on the receiving end.  While I truly believe people who say such things do so with the best of intentions, such statements unfortunately ignore a few basic truths that can produce unwarranted burden in the life of the hearer.

1.  A spouse is not a guaranteed part of God's story for everyone.

2.  While marriage does bring responsibilities that can limit opportunities, I would hope that those of us who follow Christ do not view marriage as a closed door on freedom but rather a new context through which to experience various facets of life.  I do realize many people are facing trying marriages, and I do not want to minimize such difficult situations.  But I don't believe God intended for us to view marriage as limiting, or else He probably would have said something in Genesis more along the lines of, "It will be perfectly fine for Adam to function as a singular unit," than, "It is not good for man to be alone."

3.  God's story for each person is different.  Some people find their mate when they're not looking.  Some find that person in the midst of the hunt.  Some are focused on God when the relationship begins.  Some are not.  God does not hold every person to some standard set of requirements before entering into marriage.

4.  No one is ever fully "ready."  Granted, some are better prepared than others, but I imagine even the best marriages must involve a good deal of trial and error.

I'm currently reading Rick McKinley's book, This Beautiful Mess, and in it he describes a time when his son was admitted to the hospital with an undiagnosed illness.  He explains with candor his and his wife's pain and fear during the episode as well as the responses of people around them and their effects on his family.

During those weeks, some well-meaning people gave us the right answers.  "God knows what's happening," they said.  Or, "Josh will be fine because we're praying."  The right answers seem right to say, of course, and seem right when you hear them, but they don't help much.  To be honest, the right answers began to make us angry.  Somehow Christians have a hard time saying things like, "I don't know why the hell this is happening or how this will end.  You guys must be scared to death."  I guess we all need to be able to explain life down to every last detail even when the answers don't mean anything to us.  We just can't stand the questions.  But in the kingdom of God, I have come to believe, it is all right not to have all the answers, and I think Jesus likes it even more when we don't make up ones that are safe and easy but hollow. 

Just because people prayed did not mean that Josh would be okay. 

Just because God knew what was happening didn't mean I did.  Or that I knew how God would intervene for our family.   

Just because I knew a Bible verse that says God will answer when I pray didn't mean I wouldn't lose my kid to some stupid killer infection.  His answers are not always my answers.

Here are the two most meaningful things that have ever been said to me in regard to my struggle with singleness:

"I look at you, and I just think, 'God...what the heck?'" 

"I don't know what things I'd be thinking about myself if I were your age and not married...you care deeply, feel deeply, relate with passion, you give yourself to people and causes that are important to you...you may be unmarried but this is not because you are lacking in ANY way."

No trying to resolve my situation.  No trying to explain it.  Simply acknowledging my pain, giving me permission to feel it, and suggesting that my situation is not the result of some failure on my part.

Rick McKinley goes on to talk about how God's Kingdom showed up even in the midst of his frightening and painful experience while his son was suffering.

The kingdom of God is the kingdom of life, health, beauty, salvation, and freedom to name just a few of its qualities.  The enemy of the kingdom, whom the Bible refers to as Satan, is always attacking that life and health and beauty.  He attacks spiritual freedom; he wants us to be paralyzed.  His relentless attacks are why things are not the way they are supposed to be...yet. 

But there in the midst of the tension, the kingdom of God still comes crashing in.  It usually crashes in quietly though.  God showed up all through our situation with Josh: 

Nurses who were kind. 

Gut-busting laughter that he and I shared during our hours in the hospital room. 

A friend who arranged for the guitarist from one of Josh's favorite bands to come to the hospital.  That was really cool. 

People who prayed and watched our kids and loved us.  People who sat with us, cried with us, laughed with us.  

In those moments, the tension receded.  It had to wait while the love of God filled the room and flooded our hearts.  The kingdom of darkness and ugliness, for those hours, was pushed outside the door by grace. 

I realized that God didn't create or send Josh's sickness and that He was not distant or unaware of it either.  God's kingdom is present and real.  He knows if a sparrow falls to the ground, Jesus said.  But that doesn't mean God flicked the sparrow off the tree.  Rather He is present and aware and caring, even in the tension of death and sickness.  And in its own ways, Jesus' kingdom breaks in.

As I read McKinley's story, it resonated with me in light of my own recurring struggle with pain over my singleness.  I recently came face-to-face once again with the reality that nothing is even on the horizon in the way of my dream of being a wife, and suddenly I was compelled to find some life pursuit that would be fulfilling even if I never get married.  And so, long story short, tomorrow I begin my college career, pursuing my AA in Psychology with the hope of being able to offer people some form of counseling some day.

God has been insanely faithful in providing for this new pursuit.  I enrolled in school having no idea how I'd pay for it, but two weeks ago I received an unexpected check that covered my whole summer tuition with $6 to spare.  The next day I received another unexpected check from friends who wanted to enable me to buy a laptop.  While I was humbled and thrilled by God's provision, a nagging voice in the back of my head began urging me to notice how God's provision for my new educational pursuits compared to His seeming lack of provision for my long-time desire to be a wife.  It suggested that He found the former to be worthy of His blessing while the latter didn't matter to Him.  I had to repeatedly shift my thinking, telling God I did NOT, in fact, believe He was holding out on me but that I trusted He was blessing my new direction to confirm that I was on the right track and this did not mean my prior dream was off the table with Him.

In the midst of this inner struggle as I read Rick McKinley's account of encountering the Kingdom of God even in the midst of his pain, I immediately thought of all the beautiful friendships God has blessed me with.  I've been on a journey with many of these friends over the past year in which we've been discovering what the Gospel really means for our lives and what it looks like for us to pursue righteousness (in the context of right relationships) even in the midst of a broken world, and it has been incredible.  Just a few days after this recent bout of discouragement, I spent an evening with quite a few of these friends, eating, talking, and laughing, in what was for me an unmistakable glimpse of God's Kingdom "crashing in quietly" even in the midst of my own pain.

I could have involved myself in another church at any point over the past few years in an attempt to increase my odds of "finding someone."  But I've always believed God is big enough to provide for my dream, if that's part of His plan for me, even as I continue to invest in the only church family I've known in Reno, whether that's through someone He will bring to that church family in the future or someone I'll meet in another setting or someone who's already there but as of yet is "just" a friend.  And if this dream is not part of God's plan for me, well, I'll still keep walking through life surrounded by a community I love with all my heart.

I sit here typing this on my brand new laptop feeling genuinely excited about the new chapter of life I'll enter tomorrow as I begin my college career.  When I first decided to go back to school, I didn't feel like God was telling me I needed to replace my old dream with a new one but rather He had a bigger dream for me than I had for myself, one in which He would use me not only primarily in one person's life through marriage but also in many other lives through counseling.  Though I've wrestled to hold on to this belief, and to accept the possibility that it will not come to fruition, my trust in the story God is writing for me remains intact amidst the tension.

I know I'm not the only person in my circle of friends who shares the desire for someone with whom to walk through life.  I also know I'm not the only one who has struggled with having that dream deferred, or who has experienced frustration at being offered simplistic answers that do little to address the painful longing.  One of my prayers for my community is that we will foster an environment in which we can simply be real and honest with each other, acknowledging the tension between our dreams and desires and the disappointments and heartaches that come with living in a broken world.  And I pray we will sense God's Kingdom crashing quietly and beautifully into our lives through the simple knowledge that we are not alone in our struggles.

The Beauty of "Neither"

And then this, while Joshua was there near Jericho:  He looked up and saw right in front of him a man standing, holding his drawn sword.  Joshua stepped up to him and said, " Whose side are you on -- ours or our enemies'?" 

He said, "Neither.  I'm commander of God's army..." 

          -from Joshua 5, The Message

A couple of years ago when I was taking the Perspectives course, one of the most profound things I came away with was a new understanding that even from the earliest days of human history, God's people were blessed to be a blessing.  God's blessing was not intended to stop with them; it was intended to spread through them to "all the families of the earth."  Israel was the catalyst through which God wanted to make Himself known to all nations.

I honestly do not believe God was simply on some sort of power trip when He designed this; rather, He knew that only He could provide what mankind was created for:  our relationship with Him that was broken in the Fall.  So He chose a people who would live in such a way as to demonstrate this so that the rest of the world might be drawn to Him rather than their idols, which could do nothing for them.  Israel was never the point.  Even when God says He will curse those who dishonor His people, I'm inclined to believe the point is not mere favoritism but God's refusal to allow anything to prevent the flow of His blessing to the world through His people.

At the end of Joshua chapter four, shortly before the commander of God's army appears to him, Joshua reminds the Israelite people that when God stopped the flow of water in the Jordan River so they could cross over, just as He parted the Red Sea for them decades earlier, it was done "so that everybody on earth would recognize how strong God's rescuing hand is and so that you would hold God in solemn reverence always."  Then in chapter 5 when the commander of God's army shows up, Joshua asks him whose side he is on and he answers, "Neither."  Of course it makes sense that he's not on the side of Israel's enemy, but wouldn't we expect him to be aligned with God's own people?  This blew my mind.

Neither.  What this answer says to me is that God and His servants are on the side of humanity, not one particular group of people.  And that goes back to His design for His chosen people to be a blessing to the world.

Lest we, the Church, begin to think the story of God's work in the world is only about us, we need to remember that just as He designated Israel to be the conduit of His blessing to all nations, so He has called us to be the conduit of His blessing to the rest of the world in this day and age.  We are called to pursue peace and to love recklessly.  Should we choose to be on the side of believers or of nonbelievers?  Neither.

God is not about preserving us to prove a point.  He is about making Himself known through us so that others might come to know the Love they were created for.  May we keep this in mind as we interact with those outside the walls of our churches.  May we avoid the tendency to choose sides.  May we remember that we are blessed to be a blessing.

Grieved by Controversy (Again)

My heart is grieved over the controversy that has surfaced this week surrounding Louie Giglio's withdrawal from praying at President Obama's inauguration. (Before I go on, let me emphasize that I have a great deal of respect for both men.) As with the Chick-fil-A controversy last summer, I feel that both sides are taking a poor approach to this situation.

I think it's clear in the message Mr. Giglio posted on his blog yesterday that he is not interested in stirring up or perpetuating controversy over the matter. I don't believe anyone who listens to any of his recent messages could deduce from them that he has the slightest interest in pushing any sort of anti-gay agenda, or that he even holds such an agenda. In fact, as someone who has become familiar with his messages over the past year, I would say there is not a fiber in my being that believes he feels anything less than love & compassion toward the gay community or any other corner of humanity. Throwing stones at someone for something said 15-20 years ago is completely unproductive. Is there really any person alive today who hasn't said something in so many years that they might have said differently, or not at all, if they could do it over again? Is there anyone whose priorities haven't changed over a time span of two decades in such a way that they might have chosen to speak of something they see as more important now than whatever they spoke of then? I certainly cannot claim either of these things, even over the course of the past TWO years, much less 15-20. It is one thing to hold a belief; it is another thing to promote an agenda. And Louie Giglio has not been pushing an anti-gay agenda. Period.

On the flip side, I'm honestly far more devastated and repulsed by sentiments I've seen circulating in Christian circles along the lines of, "I stand with Louie Giglio!" noting that he is "under fire for Biblical beliefs." I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Giglio himself was horrified at such responses, seeing as they completely miss the entire point of the message of love and grace he and his church seek to extend to the world around them, regardless of race, gender, status, or sexual orientation. When will we as the church stop erecting walls between ourselves and those who hold different views and instead start building bridges so as to extend the love and grace we've received from God to those around us? Hopefully I've made it clear that I don't believe Mr. Giglio is deserving of the criticism he's received; however, God's call to us as Christians has pretty much nothing to do with fighting for our rights or protecting a faith-based subculture. He calls us to be a blessing to the world around us. He calls us to die to our selves and to represent His Kingdom even amid the brokenness on this earth. He calls us to seek peace and pursue it. How are our indignant reactions to this situation accomplishing any of this?? They aren't. They just aren't.

I'm always hesitant to publicly address events like this, but I feel compelled to speak up when the rhetoric over this situation is far more damaging than edifying to the message of the good news of God's Kingdom. I hope you'll take time to watch the video below. The quality is not great, and it is lengthy, but it will give you a glimpse of Louie Giglio's heart as well as some insight into how we as Christians might respond to people who don't understand us or share our views. I pray that our responses to the current controversy might begin to be marked by love, grace, humility, and forgiveness rather than pride, bitterness, hatred, and self-righteousness.

Five Things I Loved in November

Note: I feel slightly ridiculous posting this since we are now a third of the way through December...but oh well.

Portland

What can I say? After reading several books earlier this year that were either set in Portland and/or written by authors who live in the Portland area (as well as seeing a movie based on one of those books, which was filmed in Portland), I decided I'd like to visit the city some day. The opportunity arose to do so this fall, and I went and was not disappointed. I have good friends who used to live in Portland whose love for the city has made me feel as though it was an old friend, a fascinating character that I wanted to get to know myself. We had two days there and I loved it. Portland somehow has a "thinking" vibe to it, which suits my near inability to ever turn my brain off. I nearly cried the morning we left as we drove through the city on our way out of town, because I felt like there was so much about the city that I hadn't gotten to know yet. I don't know when, but I will return some day.

Rainy Days

I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel about Portland's abundance of rain, but I actually loved it. Somehow the gray, rainy weather just seems to fit Portland, and I actually came back to usually-sunny Reno missing it. Incredibly, we have had an unusual number of rainy days in Reno since I came home from Portland, and I must say, I have loved every single one of them. The rain makes me want to read. And think. And I love that.

Searching for God Knows What

I bought a used copy of this book at Powell's while I was in Portland, and it might be my new favorite piece of Don Miller's work. I won't bother reviewing it here since I already did so on Goodreads. Suffice it to say, I loved this book and think it is absolutely worth reading. I also love that it came from Powell's, in Portland, on a trip I probably never would have taken were it not for Miller's book Blue Like Jazz; and I loved reading about several places we saw during our trip in the book in the days immediately following the trip.

"Argo"

Oddly enough, I got to enjoy this and the previous two items on my list all in one day a few weekends ago. I spent a couple of hours at one of my favorite local coffee shops on a Saturday afternoon, reading my book and enjoying the rain, before meeting up with Judy to see "Argo" for her birthday. I'd read a great article about the movie prior to seeing it that gave it extra meaning for me, and I loved the movie so much I've been to see it two more times since I saw it with Judy. (I also bought the soundtrack. It never ceases to amaze me how much a good soundtrack enriches a good film. Such is the case here.) This is an excellent story.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Our young adults group hosted the first annual "Turkey Bowl" for our church. Several families and individuals got together at the church for a flag football game followed by a potluck Thanksgiving dinner. After our meal, several of us went to see "Lincoln" (which is another great movie, by the way). Then I spent the night at Cassidy and Erin's so they could go Black Friday shopping while I stayed home with Caleb. Throughout the remainder of the weekend I also got to enjoy a lazy movie day at Cassidy and Erin's, the first of three Friday evening "Lord of the Rings" viewing parties with some friends, a productive day at home, an encouraging morning at church, and my second viewing of "Argo" (this time with my parents, who also loved it). It was a great combination of activities that made for a really ideal long weekend.

November was a good month.

paddling in place

{photo source}

"It's like this when you live a story: The first part happens fast. You throw yourself into the narrative, and you're finally out in the water; the shore is pushing off behind you and the trees are getting smaller. The distant shore doesn't seem so far, and you can feel the resolution coming, the feeling of getting out of your boat and walking the distant beach. You think the thing is going to happen fast, that you'll paddle for a bit and arrive on the other side by lunch. But the truth is, it isn't going to be over soon.

The reward you get from a story is always less than you thought it would be, and the work is harder than you imagined. The point of a story is never about the ending, remember. It's about your character getting molded in the hard work of the middle. At some point the shore behind you stops getting smaller, and you paddle and wonder why the same strokes that used to move you now only rock the boat...the far shore doesn't get closer no matter how hard you paddle.

The shore you left is just as distant, and there is no going back; there is only the decision to paddle in place or stop, slide out of the hatch, and sink into the sea. Maybe there's another story at the bottom of the sea. Maybe you don't have to be in this story anymore.

It's been like this with all my crossings. I have a couple of boats, and every couple of years I take them to Orcas Island and make the crossing from Orcas to Sucia, and it's always the same about leaving the shore so fast and getting to the middle and paddling for hours...

I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting bigger...they go looking for an easier story...

If it weren't for the other guys on the trip, I would have quit that night. We'd gotten up before sunrise, spent the day at Bob's, and were paddling now nearly twenty-four hours later. If it weren't for the other guys, I would have lay down in my hatch and slept and drifted out with the tide. But hours after I thought we'd arrive, I made out the gray wall of the cliff face on my right. We were close to it before we saw it, and it was like the walls of an ancient cathedral; our sounds were coming back at us off the rock. We had to follow the cliff to another, smaller crossing where there was a beach we'd made camp at on the way to the back of the inlet.

Then one of the guides pointed out bioluminescence was happening. He dropped his paddle into the water, and what looked like sparks splashed, and some of them floated like embers on top of the water. We all looked at our paddles and stirred them around in the water, and there in the darkness the oceans glowed. The farther we paddled into the opening, the darker the water got and the brighter the bioluminescence became. We could see each other now because there were comet trails behind our boats and there were sparks flying off our bows and onto our spray skirts, so bright you thought you needed to wipe them away for fear they would burn the fabric.

{photo source}

It was four in the morning, but we were energized by the ocean. As we got closer to the other shore, there were a million fish swimming beneath our boats, each leaving a trail, and the ocean was flashing from beneath us as though fireworks were going off in the water. "I've never seen it like this," one of our guides said. He said he'd seen the ocean glow when you splashed your paddle, but he'd never seen the fish light up the water from underneath. When we were a hundred yards from shore and paddling into the lagoon, the whole ocean glowed like a swimming pool. None of us wanted to get out of our boats. I paddled around in circles in the lagoon, watching the fish streak beneath me like a meteor shower.

It's like this with every crossing, and with nearly every story too. You paddle until you no longer believe you can go any farther. And then suddenly, well after you thought it would happen, the other shore starts to grow, and it grows fast. The trees get taller and you can make out the crags in the cliffs, and then the shore reaches out to you, to welcome you home, almost pulling your boat onto the sand."

-Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

For whatever reason, God has given me a story in which my only real dream in life has been deferred for much longer than I ever would have imagined. My story currently has me paddling, waiting for the other shore to start growing, hoping against hope that once it begins, it will indeed grow fast, welcoming me home. By and large, I deeply enjoy the journey God has me on even though it's been a much longer one than I'd have ever chosen. My journey has been richly blessed, with some amazing experiences and most greatly by the companionship of so many dear friends and family. But this is one of those days where I long to see the shoreline of my dream approaching, so rapidly that I actually feel bittersweet about this part of my journey is coming to an end. Until then, I just keep paddling...