Mr. & Mrs.

One year ago tonight these vows marked a new chapter of our stories...

Mr. to Mrs.

Sweet Kaysi,

When we met near five years past I had no reason to believe that I would know you in any way different from the many who had come and gone from my life over many years.

Even as I got to know you and discovered what a creative, curious, and caring person you were, I could only be thankful to God for giving me the great gift of a friend, co-laborer, and kindred spirit with whom to work and serve.  No longer one of many, you were one of a few.

There came a day when a series of heart-breaking scenes began to unfold.  As I struggled to accept and adapt, to find my footing in this new reality, you refused to turn away.  You refused to ignore, to allow yourself to pretend I wasn’t there as life moved on.  You embody the very essence of friendship—as so many in this room can attest—you were there, present, ministering, encouraging, and not just to me only, but to my sons as well.

Out of this darkness of great hardship a new realization dawned, new life where devastation had just swept through, like the first sprigs of green on the floor of a blackened forest.  There just wasn’t anyone I enjoyed talking to more than you, who I enjoyed reading with, watching movies with, who shared so many of my passions, my frustrations, my dreams, my impossible idealism, my love for the outdoors, my quiet introversion, who might be, if it were possible, an even bigger nerd than I am (I thought I might try to get her to wear her LOTR cloak with the elvish pin for this day, the one that she made).  You weren’t afraid to feel deeply even after your own years of waiting, aching, and hurting.  You refused to stop feeling to stop believing, to stop loving or serving.  Your presence allowed me in time to begin to believe again, to awaken hope, to think it possible that joy and laughter and ideas and heartaches and failures could be shared in a place of quiet, peaceful, accepting, intimate, and attentive friendship.  Out of that darkness I realized I had a best friend, and I began to sense the possibility that I could be married to my very best friend.  I think you sensed it, too.  No longer one of the many, or one of the few, you are the one.  As the one God used to bring light into darkness, you are forever my Kaysidawn.

By God’s grace, without which I will certainly fail:

I promise to continue to learn Jesus, how he loves, gives, heals, and restores, that I might love you as Christ loves his church, that I might love you as the daughter of Jesus you are, as both he and your earthly parents would long for you to be loved.

I promise to ever be learning you, who God is fashioning you to be, so that every day you are loved well and faithfully served, sharing this journey with you as your ever-present companion, your travel buddy in the continuous journey of life.

When times are tough, I promise to keep my heart turned toward you.  I will be a safe and dependable place for you to share the deepest places of your heart.  I will not take your trust for granted, rather I will guard it and foster it, and I will share my heart with you.  I will not withhold myself from you; all I have to give is yours.

I promise not only to love you, but to love with you.  I will partner with you to build a home that overflows with loving warmth that draws people in, a place from which to go to share the love of Christ, and to which to return to share this love together, I’ll be your partner in and for the reconciling work of his Kingdom.

I promise to discover and explore new places with you on warm summer days.

I promise to cuddle with you on cool autumn evenings.

I promise to hold you as you sleep, even when you’re sleeping through the movie we’re cuddling up to watch.

I promise to read to you and write to you, to enjoy beauty and art and music old & new with you.

I promise to be a faithful steward of the magnificent example of God’s handiwork and your family’s beautiful love that you are.

By the grace of God and the power of the Spirit, I am yours in Christ, your loving and faithful husband, and will be so until death do we part.

Mrs. to Mr.

My sweet Eric, standing here with you today is the realization of a lifelong dream for me.  The one thing I’ve known since I was a little girl was that I wanted to be a wife.  I had no idea it was going to take this long, and at times I truly believed a day like this would never come, but if I could go back in time now I would tell myself it is absolutely going to be worth the wait.

Not only has it been worth the wait to be standing here with someone I love so much, and someone who loves me so well, but it has also been worth the wait because of how I’ve grown over the past 34 years -- and especially over the past 3.  And you had so much to do with that even before I ever could have imagined sharing the rest of my life with you.

I honestly have very little recollection of what I thought of you for probably at least the first year I knew you, but I do remember the message you preached on Mother’s Day your first spring in Reno - a message that honored all women, not just mothers or even wives.  It spoke to the place in my heart that ached and often felt excluded from both what I longed for and what seemed simply to be “normal” for most everyone else around me.

As time passed and I began to participate in the young adults group, and then as I took part in the “worldview group” you formed in the summer of 2012, a new hope started to grow in me -- a hope that had nothing to do with my dream of being a wife, as it seemed as far away as ever, but a hope for something bigger & even more beautiful...God’s Kingdom.  I’d already begun to see His Kingdom in a new light when I took Perspectives in 2011, but through countless discussions in these groups of which you were a part, a bigger vision really took root in my heart & mind, a vision in which God had created a good world, and even though it broke, He had been working ever since to redeem & restore all that had broken.  It was a vision full of hope and devoid of fear, which was different from what I saw in so many circles that claimed to follow Jesus yet constantly manipulated people with fear & guilt.  I started to experience freedom, hope, joy, & peace like I never had before, and my ongoing conversations with you & Cassidy & our young adults group & our worldview group were the ground in which that new life grew.  There is no doubt in my mind that apart from your time here in Reno, I likely never would have experienced the fullness of life I now know -- and I’m confident that holds true for quite a few other people who join us in this room today.  God has used you to bring life & freedom & hope to so many, and even if our stories had not converged in such a way as to bring us to this day, I still would have counted my life as being deeply blessed & forever changed because of your presence in it.

I also would have counted myself blessed by your friendship long before I ever dreamed of this day.  Again here, I know I am not the only one in this room who has found you to be a friend of the most trustworthy sort, and I’m quite confident this is due in large part to the fact that you give people a safe place to express disappointment and frustration.  You don’t discount heartache or try to jump to a quick solution, you identify with people’s pain.  In doing so you’ve helped me (and probably others) to feel less “crazy” and less alone.

And so it is you were to be a significant character in my story no matter what; yet here we are in a moment neither of us could have foreseen when our paths first crossed at the end of 2010.  Strangers became acquaintances, and eventually acquaintances became friends, but now as our friendship has grown into love, you’ve come to care for me with more tenderness than I ever imagined any man besides my dad having the capacity or desire to do.  You affirm who I am, you see beauty in how God designed my personality & gifts & hopes & dreams, and you encourage me to walk in those things without fear or insecurity.  You see me, and you love me exactly as I am, flaws and all.  I feel safe with you, treasured, enjoyed, protected, encouraged to grow, and loved.  I know this isn’t the story either of us would have imagined or chosen for ourselves; we both had hoped for resolution to our aching loneliness in other ways, long before now, for years & years.  And yet I’m so grateful God saw our pain and redeemed our stories by giving us one another.

As I become your wife today, I promise I will also continue to be your friend.  I will be the girl sitting across from you in the cafe, talking with you about anything & everything under the sun.  I will happily share space with you even when we are silent -- reading, writing, or scrolling mindlessly through Facebook.  I will be your travel buddy, for hikes & for road trips & for life itself.  We will adventure together, even if our adventure is just trying the Beijing beef for the first time.  :)

I will be a listening ear when something is weighing on you, and when you’re excited over something, and yes, even when you’re recounting stories from officiating that I can only half follow.  :)  I will laugh with you and I will cry with you.  I will dream with you.  I will always be in your corner, supporting you & cheering you on.

I won’t forget or neglect the foundation on which our friendship was built -- our shared love for God’s Kingdom.  I will continue to grow with you as we pursue greater understanding of one another, of others, of the world, and of the heart of God.  I will pray for you & with you, and I will welcome your prayers for & with me.

I will be honest with you when something is troubling me.  I won’t leave you to guess how I’m feeling -- you know I’m not good at hiding it anyway.  I will choose to believe the best of you at all times, and I will only ever speak well of you to others.

I will always remember where you came from, the experiences that helped make you the man you are today, and I will comfort you when any old ghost comes back and tries to haunt you.  I will give you a warm, loving home to come back to each night -- a refuge where you can find peace & rest.  And I will hold your hand & hug you & kiss you every day for the rest of our lives.

As far as it depends on me, I will never allow you to feel the pain of loneliness again.

My sweet Eric, I will be your girl, your fellow grammar nerd & INFJ, your princess, your “shared brain,” your fellow dreamer & idealist, your best friend, and your love for as long as we both shall live.  In the words of those great poets Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt, “I love you and I like you.”

One year in and I still love you and like you as much as - no, even more than - I did when I first read these words to you.  I'm so grateful we get to share this wild journey of life with each other.  May our hearts continue to grow in this mutual tenderness for many, many more years to come.  

Happy Anniversary to my long-awaited sweetheart.  I love you so dearly.

May we have hope in the days ahead.

Having grown up in conservative evangelical culture, I became well acquainted long ago with the forecasts of doom & gloom & judgment that accompanied every.single.Democratic.presidency.  Such forecasts have been cluttering my Facebook news feed for weeks on end leading up to this year's election despite the fact it hadn't even been decided yet.  For much of my life I bought into this despair-oriented groupthink, but I began to realize a few years ago it was nonsense.

My husband & I both have had the label "Democrat" dismissively slapped on us in recent weeks despite the fact we consider ourselves nonpartisan and will examine every candidate before making a decision about who we're supporting.  I've come to understand that every candidate from every party is complex.  Each one represents some things I believe in as a follower of Jesus, and each one represents other things that make me cringe as a follower of Jesus.  And in this election, like it or not, Hillary Clinton made the Christ-follower in me cringe way less than Donald Trump did.

As my journey of faith has progressed in recent years, I've become increasingly aware that my understanding of what it means to be a Christian and to follow Jesus is fundamentally different from the understanding held by many modern American evangelicals.  I recently read a statement from someone claiming that individuals being held accountable for their own actions, "reaping individual rewards when they make good individual choices and paying the costs when they make bad individual choices" is the reason for "American greatness," and that "the Christian way" is "individualism, individual responsibility and individual accountability."

I'm not sure if I could possibly disagree more.

This notion first of all defies the reality, both presented in Scripture (hello there, Job) and evident in the world around us, that our circumstances are not an indicator of our righteousness or lack thereof.  On the contrary, as verbally illustrated by Jesus Himself, the rain falls & the sun rises on the righteous & unrighteous alike.  "American greatness" as described here is nothing more than a depiction of karmic belief.

This supposedly "Christian" way also completely ignores the central Christian concepts of grace & mercy -- receiving good things we don't deserve and being spared bad things we do deserve.  "American greatness" can build itself on individual responsibility if it wants to, but there's no way to mistake it for anything remotely like the Christian way, not when the latter is modeled after Someone who demonstrated selfless sacrifice on behalf of those who neither earned nor deserved anything whatsoever.  

And yet this theme of personal responsibility is what many American evangelicals have come to understand as Christianity.  We are too busy relying on ourselves and pointing fingers at others to realize we're dismissing Jesus by not simply and humbly relying on Him.  And so it begins to make sense to ostracize Muslims for choosing a "violent" religion.  It begins to make sense to build a wall to keep out neighboring folks who might take jobs we have a right to since we were born in this country and they weren't.  It begins to make sense to cling to our guns because someone might threaten us and, well, then they deserve the bullet that's coming to them.  It begins to make sense to vote for Donald Trump and his platform of self-preservation.

Nothing in this reflects the Jesus I read about in Scripture.  But sometimes we forget that Jesus is the clearest picture of God we've ever been given, and we opt for other versions of God that justify our attempts at self-preservation.  We let fear, rather than love, drive our thinking and our actions.

And then people think you're out of your mind for seeing any merit in Democratic social policies that call for those of us who have more to share what we have with those who have less.

But alas, I do.

No candidate is ever going to be a savior figure for America, despite the fact that each candidate will be championed as such by some of his or her supporters.  I never thought Hillary Clinton was the answer to all of America's problems, and I sure as heck don't believe Donald Trump is.  I do have fears about what the future could hold under his leadership.  But I also refuse to do what I've watched conservative evangelicals do for years...I won't offer my own forecast of gloom & doom & judgment for America just because a candidate I believe to be ill-equipped for the presidency is the candidate that won.

What I will do instead is give credit to many of my friends who have supported Clinton, some with hesitation but others with great enthusiasm, because your responses to what I know has been an incredibly disappointing night for you have been overwhelmingly gracious and even hopeful.  You have expressed sadness, shock, and fear, but you have not been hateful or judgmental.  You have continued to express love toward your fellow man.  And it has moved me.  I hope & pray you will continue to love others in the face of such hardships & disappointments, because I truly believe that kind of stubborn love, far more than any elected president, is what will shape the future for the world around us and continue to bend that long moral arc toward justice.

May you, and may we all, see beyond ourselves in order to love others, and may we continue to have hope in the days ahead.

"Celebration of Love" Day Seven - SURPRISE!!!

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

SURPRISE!!!  Eric & I found out a little while ago that our family is going to be expanding this coming January!  We had talked about the possibility of having children of our own, but we weren't set on it, and either way we had thought we would give it a few years first.  But life doesn't always unfold according to our timing, does it?

The day we found out we sat on one of our love seats in shock for hours and binge watched Halt & Catch Fire, too dumbfounded to say or do much else.  We did not see this coming and the timing seemed rather inconvenient for multiple reasons.  Eric & I both moved about in a fog for the next few days, but as reality sank in, shock began to give way to love.  When we announced our news to my family a couple weeks later during a pre-planned trip to Reno, their joy multiplied our own as we grew increasingly excited about our little nugget.

I've been reflecting with amazement on how much love I already feel for this tiny little human despite the fact she or he is still only as big as the palm of my hand and we haven't even met yet.  It has caused me to think of the love my own mother must have felt for me when I was still so small, and it has stirred feelings of awe & gratitude as well as sadness in me -- awe & gratitude at the concept of being loved so deeply by someone, and sadness at the recognition I haven't always been loving toward the one who loved me that way.  I know we're all human and we all let each other down.  And if we're healthy, we forgive & forget & grow & move on.  I know this baby will one day let Eric & me down, and we will do the same.  But this doesn't diminish the love in my heart for this little one even in the slightest.  It has been so amazing to me to recognize this aspect of parenthood, even this early on.  What an incredible gift!

 


So today I am tagging my mom & my dad, who both have loved me so deeply for the past 35+ years, as well as my brother, who they also have loved just as deeply, and who, along with his beautiful wife, now deeply loves three precious little boys of their own.  I am crazy grateful for the family God gave me.  We are not perfect, but we have managed to love each other throughout the course of our lives despite the hardships & disappointments & frustrations & trials any family might face.  And I couldn't be more grateful that this is the family we get to bring our little one into.

With all this said, I cannot write this post without acknowledging that there are people who crave but lack the things I'm celebrating today -- both the joy of a child & the warmth of a loving family.  I have dear friends who have ached to have a baby of their own yet haven't been able to do so, and I know they represent so many others in the world who share the same struggle.  I also have friends who ache for a mother and/or a father who genuinely, demonstratively shows love & support but face the reality of absent parents or parents with whom the relationship is strained.  I just want to take a moment to tell those people my heart hurts for you, and I pray with & for you for the miracle you long for.  Sometimes our hearts break living in a broken world where our bodies can work against us and our relationships can go unresolved.  To you, I echo the words I extended in my first post toward people who long for a healthy marriage but don't have one:

You are not forgotten.  You are seen.  You are loved.

I pray you find peace in your journey and resolution for the aching places in your heart.

Reflecting on so many different people in my life over the past week has been something I've treasured.  Despite the late nights I've spent writing out some of my posts, it's been a gift to be reminded of how many wonderful characters God has placed in the story He's given me -- and I didn't even get to all of them!  I want to make clear the fact that my life is not without struggles or disappointment.  If it seems like I've spent seven days writing only about good things, it's not because that's all there is; it's simply because I've learned through the years to look for the silver linings, to find things to be thankful for, and it has created in me a sense of deep & authentic gratitude for the good even when there is also bad.  I believe there is always beauty to be found if we just keep looking for it.  Thanks to all the people I've tagged this week as well as the many others I count as friends & loved ones for being reflections of beauty in my life even on dark days.  I love you all dearly.

"Celebration of Love" Day Six - Inspirations

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

Today I am tagging Alex, Jason, Lisa, and Sherry.

I first met Alex probably six or seven years ago when he started
coming to our church youth group with one of his best friends.  He always had such a kind spirit, and it's been an honor getting to know him better over the past few years.  He just graduated college this spring with a degree in social work, a field that was inspired by his faith and his care for people.  I remember him telling our reading group that as he read the code of ethics he wondered why Christians weren't coming out of the woodwork to pursue that line of work because it so aligned with the values Jesus gave His followers.  That's the kind of heart Alex has.  Alex's family is from Mexico, and in addition to graduating with a degree in social work, he also recently passed his U.S. citizenship test -- something I'm quite sure many natural-born Americans (myself included) would probably struggle to do.  Eric & I are both so proud of him and so blessed to count him as our friend.

Jason is closer to Eric than he is to me, but we, too, have participated in a couple of reading groups together and I've gotten to know him well enough to develop a deep sense of admiration for him.  Jason truly has one of the most brilliant minds of anyone I've ever met, yet he's also one of the most humble people I've ever known.  I've read some pieces he has written in the past and have been blown away by his intelligence, yet he is amazingly accessible.  He takes people under his wing and befriends them with such great care & sincerity.  He's also been a wonderful friend to Eric, and I'm so glad he's in both our lives.

Lisa was one of my brother's closest friends in college who became a close friend of mine as well.  Upon graduating she taught school in Atlanta for a while before going on a year-long mission trip that took her to a different country each month.  Along the way she fell in love with a community in Nicaragua, and she moved there permanently over six years ago.  Reading about her life & ministry there is a constant source of encouragement to me.  She is in the process of building a home where she will provide a family for children who have none.  It is her dream and it is a beautiful reflection of God's heart.  Lisa lives her life with so much joy & freedom.  I often feel so much of American evangelicalism is rooted in fear-based behavior modification -- we are taught to do or not do certain things merely because they are "right" or "wrong" -- but Lisa loves Jesus and she loves people, and everything she does flows from that, not just a sense of right or wrong.  I've become firmly convinced over the past few years that is how Jesus really intended for us to live.  As He said and as Paul echoed, love fulfills the law.  If we only truly loved one another, "behavior modification" would be unnecessary.  I think a lot of people don't believe that's possible, but I believe Lisa's life demonstrates that it absolutely is.  I love this girl and her heart so, so much.

Finally, Sherry was one of my co-workers for many years when I served on a church staff in Reno, and she has become a very dear friend over time.  A former nurse, she has a special gift for being present with people who are going through health issues.  Her demeanor is incredibly calming, and she is wonderful at explaining things in laymen's terms when a person may be feeling overwhelmed by medical jargon.  She's been there for both of my parents when they faced various medical issues over the years and her support has been invaluable to them (and, as such, to my whole family) -- and I know many, many others who would say the same.  Eric & I have enjoyed some very sweet times of fellowship with Sherry and her husband, Craig, sharing meals around their kitchen table, telling stories, expressing disappointments, and most of all laughing together.  I've sought her wisdom when going through difficult times, and I've had the privilege of witnessing her "happy dance" when sharing good news.  She is truly a gift to everyone who knows her, and Eric & I love her dearly.

I am so grateful each of these people has been a part of my/our story.

"Celebration of Love" Day Five - Birthday Twins & Portland Friends

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

Several years ago I was part of a rather elaborate plan to surprise my friend Alina on her birthday with a big gathering at her parents' house.  It turned out that was actually part of an even more elaborate plan her mom had cooked up to celebrate FOUR birthdays, including mine!  Alina and her twin sister, Alona, were born on August 11, and our mutual friend Patricia and I were both born on August 18.  When we showed up at Alina & Alona's parents' house, we found probably 40-50 people gathered in the back yard, a wooden photo cutout that had been painted to look like the four of us (hilarious!), and food & games a plenty waiting to be enjoyed.  I already tagged Alina this week, but I wanted to tag Alona & Patricia as well -- especially since it's birthday week for all of us again right now!

I've had some great times with these girls.  They sort of introduced me to thrift store shopping -- or at the very least they're responsible for getting me hooked on it.  I've probably bought at least half my clothes at Goodwill since the four of us went together that summer.  We've had more than a few movie nights, sleepovers, and even s'mores parties at Alina & Alona's house, and Alona usually made sure a chocolate fountain was involved because she is obsessed with chocolate (and why shouldn't she be?!).  Patricia & I also really enjoyed being part of a couple of different reading groups together over the past several years with some fellow deep thinkers.  It was always invigorating to get together and discuss what we'd been reading.  I love thinking back on the times I've shared with these girls!

In addition to my & Alina's "birthday twins," since I'm running short on days but still have plenty of people I'd like to celebrate, I decided to double up on my themes for today and tag some new friends as well.

Eric & I have been living in Portland since February.  We didn't really know anyone when we moved here, but the past couple of years had been pretty crazy and since we're both introverts anyway, it's been kind of nice to feel like we're somewhat off the grid here.  Nevertheless, even we two introverts would probably be feeling pretty isolated if we hadn't made ANY connections over the past six months, and I didn't want to let this whole week go by without celebrating some of our newer friends.

So today I am also tagging Karen, who we met through a small church in our neighborhood that has become our spiritual home here in Portland; Tracy & Dustin, who were the first of my co-workers I really got to know at PSU; and Kirsten, who also just moved to Portland from Reno with her husband right about the same time Eric & I did.  (Her father-in-law also just so happened to officiate our wedding ceremony...it really is a small world!)  While Eric & I are generally pretty content with spending quiet evenings at home as much as possible, these people have given us some connections and made us feel welcome in our new home.  And we are most grateful for them!

"Celebration of Love" Day Four - My Fellow Walden's Baristas

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

Today I am tagging Jaime Meyer and Nate Capps.

Several years ago I began to realize how much I loved the atmosphere of locally owned coffee shops, so it was a bit of a dream last March when I got a job as a barista at Walden's Coffeehouse.  I had gotten to know one of the owners when a reading group I was in used to meet there on a weekly basis, and she was willing to take a chance on me despite the fact I had no experience.  Thankfully, I picked up on things quickly, and though it had its stressful moments (just like any other job), I LOVED working there.  I really adored a lot of the people I got to know during my time at Walden's, but I had particularly strong connections with Jaime and Nate.

They both, along with Nate's sweet wife, Cherish, graciously volunteered their time & talents during
our wedding, recording the events on camera and also contributing artwork for the backgrounds; but their greatest gift has been their friendship.

I didn't know Jaime at all until she became a barista at Walden's, but we got along so well.  She happens to be another INFJ (I seem to know an inordinate number of them, considering how rare this personality type is!) and she quickly became one of those people I knew I could talk to about anything and find a sympathetic listening ear.

As far as Nate goes, it is crazy now to think that I used to visit Walden's as a customer and see him behind the counter, never dreaming we'd one day be such good friends.  We concluded pretty early on that we are just "cut from the same cloth," and last time Eric & I saw him we drove away talking about how easy it is to be around him.  Nate & Cherish, who got married only a few months before we did, recently found out they're expecting a baby girl and I could not be more excited for them!

It blows my mind when I think about how easily I could have gone my whole life without ever meeting some of the people who have come to mean so much to me.  Thanks to Mandy for giving me that chance as a barista...it has brought blessings I'm confident will last the rest of my life.

"Celebration of Love" Day Three - Bridesmaids

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

Today I am tagging my incredible bridesmaids.  I honestly could not have asked for a better group of friends to stand beside me on my wedding day -- and that is to say, I could not have asked for a better group of friends to have been an integral part of my life during the years leading up to that day.

Erin was one of my very first friends in Reno.  Cassidy & I first got to know her when we spent the summer of 2004 there because all three of us were helping with the youth group at the church my parents began attending after they moved to Reno.  Little did we know she & Cassidy would fall in love & marry just a few years later!  I was so happy to have her become an official part of our family, and I've loved getting to know and share life with her family as well.  One of my greatest joys in life has been becoming an auntie to the three adorable boys Erin & Cassidy have had over the past few years.  We have shared so, so many memories in the years since Erin & I became friends, from sleepovers to youth group trips to movie nights (which we often both sleep through lol) to family vacations, and I am so grateful to know we still have a whole lifetime ahead to make more!

Cloe' was only in the sixth grade when I first got to know her!  She became a part of the youth group a few months later and I had the honor of being one of her youth leaders for the next several years.  She knew how much I longed to be married and saw me go through some pretty big disappointments along the way, and at other times I saw her go through her own trials; but as much as I always hoped to be an encouragement to her as her youth leader, she proved through the years to be every bit as much an encouragement to me.   It has been amazing watching her grow into a beautiful, caring, mature young woman, and I am so proud to call her my friend.

My first memory of Jeni involves her being introduced to my mom's famous mac & cheese, which she has loved ever since, and her being amused at my or Cassidy's (I can't remember which) southern pronunciation of "Ju-ly."  We quickly became good friends and, though we've had our ups & downs, our friendship has endured for almost 10 years now (and counting).  Jeni is truly one of the funniest people I know.  She is fiercely protective of the people she loves, and while life has thrown some real challenges her way, she has always managed to fight her way back to wholeness & joy.  She inspires me and I love who she is.

Of all my bridesmaids, my friendship with Alina is actually the "youngest."  Though we had gone to church together for years, we only really got to know each other about four years ago (I think...).  We had both recently gone through breakups and we each found it refreshing to have someone in a similar boat with whom to commiserate.  Though our friendship had grown considerably by the time we took our first road trip together, I was still a little nervous just because we had never spent that much time together one-on-one.  We made our way to Portland (her first trip there, my second), though, and by the time we got home I'd discovered that Alina was one of the absolute best travel companions I'd ever had.  We had both fallen in love with Portland and ended up making several more trips to there together, and now that I live here I'm particularly thrilled to be able to say she just moved to Vancouver this past weekend!  It's going to be so wonderful having one of my best friends less than an hour away!  Alina is one of the most generous people I know, constantly giving her time & talents to help people around her.  It is a great gift to count her among my closest friends.


Before I get to my dear MOH, I want to mention two other amazing women who also would have been bridesmaids if they didn't live across the country.

My friendship with Judy goes back almost as far as my friendship with Erin.  She's another one I got to know initially because we served together as youth leaders.  She became one of my best friends through the years.  I can't count how many Saturday evenings I spent over at her place, eating True New York pizza, playing with her kitties, and watching (or sleeping through) movies.  When she moved back to New York in 2014 I got to drive across the country with her and then spend several days getting a taste of the area where she grew up.  Judy is one of the most faithful friends I've ever had and I miss being able to hang out with her on a regular basis.

Anna & I go back much further than anyone else on this list -- all the way back to first grade!  It's amazing to think she has been a part of my life for almost THIRTY YEARS.  One of favorite weeks ever took place in June of 2007 when Anna & her mom flew out to Reno and went on a road trip with me & my mom to San Francisco, Yosemite National Park, and Las Vegas.  It was crazy covering that much ground in just a few days but we saw so many amazing sights, laughed like crazy, and had the greatest time together.  I treasure the memories of our "Wild West Tour."  We don't keep in touch super regularly but we also know we each can send the other a text out of the blue asking for prayer for absolutely anything without any fear of judgment.  I am so thankful for her friendship that has endured all this time.

Now finally, my Maid of Honor, Jessie Marie.  I actually met Jessie the same day Anna & her mom arrived in Reno in 2007.  She was visiting our youth group with a friend, and I never could have dreamed at that time that we would go on to become what she has come to refer to as "soul friends" and would even share a home for a little over two years.  Jessie & I are both INFJs and, as such, we somehow just "get" each other in a way few, if any, other people ever have.  I feel like we've both learned so much about ourselves since we first became friends, and it seems we've offered each other a safe place to process that ongoing journey.  We have shared so much together -- coffee dates & dinners & walks & movies & drives & frustrations & sadness & joy & silliness & holidays & times with family & on & on & on.  We have prayed & danced & consumed peppermint hot chocolate & had sleepovers in our living room.  She has made me laugh and she has seen me cry.  We've witnessed each other at our worst and at our best.  I cannot say enough about what her friendship has meant to me.  I am forever grateful we got to share life in a daily context for the 2+ years leading up to my marriage, and I will cherish those memories and her friendship for the rest of my life.

These are some of the most amazing women I have ever known and I am so, so grateful each one of them has been a part of my story.

"Celebration of Love" Day Two - The Coffeebar Crew

I was challenged by Amanda Barone to participate in a seven-day "Celebration of Love." Being the idealist that I am, I took the liberty of altering the conditions of the "challenge" before passing it on (read more here).  I'm inviting those I tag to spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Or, do nothing except know that I am celebrating you!

Today I'm tagging Jordan, Garrett, and Lydia.  We've spent quite a few Thursday mornings at Coffeebar with this crew, talking about any number of random topics, but the highlight for me was always anticipating the inevitable moment Jordan would give a disclaimer about how a forthcoming question was going to be personal or awkward.  The questions were never actually that bad, but the announcements were always entertaining!  Eric & I both love these three and miss getting to spend time with them on a regular basis.  Thanks to each of you for adding joy to our lives!

"Celebration of Love" Day One - Welcome to the Party

I was 34 years old when I finally married a very dear man last November.  Our story was not the sort of sweet, romantic fairy tale people love to watch & celebrate as it unfolds over time.  It was, rather, one born of heartache as I watched someone who was already a dear friend go through a extraordinarily painful year of loss in both his career & his marriage.

I had long dreamed of having love grow out of a friendship, but these were by no means the kind of circumstances under which I'd imagined that happening.  It wasn't cute; it was messy and inconvenient.  But it is our story.

To be sure, we had friends who celebrated the love that grew between us, but at the same time, divorce & remarriage can be sticky issues when you're coming from evangelical subculture.  We knew some folks would be hesitant (or would simply refuse) to rejoice in our relationship.  We knew that would be part of the cost.  But we both believe in a God who makes beautiful things out of dust, and we firmly believe ours, while not fitting the typical evangelical storyboard for marriage, is nonetheless a testimony of God's grace and a wonderful story of healing & redemption for two wounded people.

Before my friendship with Eric took that unexpected turn, I spent years & years aching to share my life with someone and wondering what was wrong with me that I continued to remain single.  Though I'm certain no one ever intended to make me feel excluded, it became increasingly difficult not to feel like an outsider as more friends & family members married their sweethearts with each passing year while I continued to go unpursued or, worse, rejected.  Churches seem forever to be bent on forming groups specifically for young married people, and each time something like that was suggested during my 10+ years working as a church staff member it felt like one more twist of the knife reminding me I was not like most of my peers.

I wasn't paying much attention when I first started to see this "Celebration of Love and Promotion of Marriage" challenge pop up in my Facebook news feed several weeks ago, but as the posts began to spread through various circles of friends I started to think someone might tag me.  However, there came a point at which my apparent failure to warrant a "nomination" took me back to that old feeling of being an outsider.  I might finally be at the party, but that didn't guarantee I'd be fully accepted, perhaps especially since my story was messy, not of the fairy tale variety.

I don't say this to shame anyone but to explain that the sting reminded me that I never wanted to forget what it was to feel like an outsider because I never wanted to slip unintentionally into behaviors that would cause others to feel that way.  So this morning when I finally DID get "nominated" to participate, I first felt grateful (thank you, thank you, Mandy!), and I then felt compelled to exercise some initiative and make my own tweaks to the challenge as I pass it on.

Because I know people who have beautiful, thriving marriages, but I know other people who continue to face year after year without finding the love they ache for.  People who have been through stupid divorces that were not their fault.  People who have come out of abusive relationships.  People who are hanging on by a thread while their spouse has checked out.

If you happen to be one of these people:  You are not forgotten.  You are seen.  You are loved.

And you are hereby invited to join in this "Celebration of Love."

Love comes in many different forms.  It is not only evidenced in marriage.  While I am, in fact, beginning by posting a photo of my husband & me -- because indeed he is a wonderful gift in my life and absolutely worth celebrating -- I will also be posting pictures over the next six days of additional people whose love & friendship have made my life richer.  And I invite those I tag to do the same.  Spend seven days celebrating anyone who makes your life richer -- your friends, your kids, your siblings, your co-workers, and sure, your spouse!  Because they are ALL worth celebrating.

And YOU are worth celebrating.

Welcome to the party!

Today I'm tagging our friends Hank & Deetz.  Although I've only met Hank a couple of times, and I've never met Deetz in person, and Eric has never met either of them face-to-face, these crazy interwebz seem to have given us a couple of kindred spirits in them, and I'm often reminded of how thankful I am for their [virtual] presence in our lives!

(Also, for the record, if not one single person I tag over the next seven days decides to participate, I won't be the least bit offended!)

Emerging, Part 2

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

I've found myself frustrated on multiple occasions lately with the way I observe people judging others from a distance.  This sort of uninformed judgment-making is commonplace in today's world -- perhaps especially so in America where we're conditioned to exalt the independence of the self, and even more so in the church where so many of us have been taught to fear those who might "lead us astray."  For the sake of self-preservation, in whatever form that might take, we close our eyes and ears and minds and, most grievously, our hearts, to anyone who thinks or sees the world differently than we do.

It is this sort of prideful arrogance that assumes we've better figured things out than another person -- and subsequently leads us to separate "us" from "them" -- that created the chaos in our church last year.  It's not that a conviction that one way is "right" or "better" is bad.  It is precisely this sort of conviction that guides us all in our daily lives, that informs the choices we make, whether that conviction stems from our belief in Jesus or Buddhism or scientific discovery or human progress or so on.  The problem arises when our conviction leads us to distance ourselves from those who live by a conviction not mirroring our own, when we lose our ability to interact with -- and, beyond that, to genuinely love and care for -- those who hold another perspective.

If we spent half as much time and energy concerned with whether people knew they were loved and cared for as we spend trying to protect our own reputations or guard our (or someone else's) morality, I'm convinced we would be more peaceful, joyful people...

God, I don't want to keep revisiting these old frustrations.  I believe You've shown me a better way -- one of love, compassion, understanding, sympathy, peacemaking, and trust -- trust that "You've got this," that judgment can be left up to You and that I am free to love with abandon.  There are still many in my circles who don't (and perhaps won't) understand where I am in my relationship with You or with others.  They fear I've taken a wrong turn.  They've been taught to fear.  But I continue to rest in my confidence that perfect love drives out fear.  And I'm choosing love.  I'm choosing to believe You are the One who can redeem divorces and same-sex attraction and addiction and depression, and perhaps not always in the way we think it ought to be done, with reversal or elimination as our only options, but perhaps by bringing new life from the death of a relationship or by teaching us to extend grace and acceptance to those we don't understand or by our choosing to love well in spite of struggles that never really go away.

I want to run ahead full speed in my belief that LOVE -- and presence -- truly is the way to which You've called me, and us.  Help me to throw off what hinders -- these old concerns about being misunderstood that repeatedly wrap themselves like chains around me, causing me to dwell in old patterns of self-righteousness and fear.  Please help me to trust and follow Your Spirit into greater freedom and deeper love.  Give me a humble heart and kill my pride.  Remind me each day that I'm no better than any other person.  Help me to love well.  Please make me a safe place for people to be real -- to share both their heartaches AND their joys.  Please let people experience Your unconditional love through me.  Make me a peacemaker, Jesus, seeking both justice AND mercy.  And give me Your grace to shake the dust when people don't understand.  Let me really leave the past behind and move forward into LIFE.

Read the Introduction and Part 1.

Emerging, Part 1

image from cop richard

Thursday, May 7, 2015

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God?  Or am I striving to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."  Galatians 1:10

Judaizers had come into Galatia behind Paul and convinced the easily-swayed believers there that the Gospel required them to be circumcised according to OT law.  Paul re-asserted that if such were the case, Christ's death was useless.  He refused to succumb to the expectations of men -- even though those expectations were rooted in Jewish Scripture! -- because of Christ's sufficiency.

It's fascinating to note Paul had once railed against the very things he now preached (Galatians 1:23) -- and people glorified God because of it.

I ended up reading the entire book of Galatians, and it was as if for the first time.  Paul is so adamant about not allowing anyone to drag us back into thinking we must be enslaved to the law because that ideology is essentially blasphemous toward Christ's death and resurrection.  He never suggests we throw caution to the wind but encourages his readers instead to be guided by LOVE.  So good...

"Preach, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is at hand.'  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons; freely you received, freely give...whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet."  Matthew 10:7-8, 14

JESUS' Kingdom is a stumbling block...

Read here the Introduction and Part 2.

Emerging: Introduction

image from wendy pastorius

I recently wrote about a season of grief that began a little more than a year ago.  (See A Year of Lament:  Introduction, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)  In the introduction to that series of blog posts, I alluded to finding new hope and sensing that the darkness was subsiding, and my desire has been to write about that as well.

But even this new season is not without challenges.

Sometimes I feel like a baby bird trying to peck my way out of my shell, knowing even once I've emerged my wings are still going to have to be strengthened before I can actually fly.  And that probably means some falls and bumps and bruises along the way.  But the prospect of flying pushes me forward.

I read an excellent article today in which Brian Zahnd briefly describes how rediscovering Jesus in his 40's altered the way he was reading Scripture (and, subsequently, his thinking) even though he'd been a Christian since he was very young...

"...in my forties, I began to encounter Jesus all over again.  I discovered the 'unvarnished Jesus' and gained new eyes.  I was born again...again.  The Bible had not changed, but I had changed.  I was beginning to read the Bible in a new way.  Ironically, it was closer to the way I read the Bible when I was teenager.  I now knew again what I had once known long ago -- that dropping atomic bombs on cities is incompatible with loving your enemy!  I now knew that no matter how you spin it, the Jesus of the Gospels would never bless the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Never!"

I went through some similar shifts in my thinking about three years ago.  Just as Brian describes not a mere departure but rather a return to a previous way of thinking, I, too, was returning to some perspectives I'd first experienced in my early twenties.  Back then I was disillusioned with church.  I felt we too often were missing the point of our whole existence by neglecting Christ's heart for love, justice, and mercy while constantly working to manipulate people into little more than assent to our beliefs and assimilation into our particular branch of Christian culture.

The more I've reacquainted myself with the life of Jesus (and, thus, the heart of God) over the past few years, the more I've become convinced we are, in fact, meant for more than that -- that we are actually supposed to care about things like justice, that we are actually supposed to love people in tangible ways.

This kind of shift in thinking is not always well-received.  I know more than a handful of people who have been met with criticism and judgment from those who think we've stumbled down a "slippery slope" as we've come to believe God actually cares about life in the here and now, not just what happens to us when we die.  It's sad and ridiculous, really, but a lot of people have been taught to think this way, to fear anyone who dares to veer the tiniest bit off whatever path their theologian of choice has described as "right."  But if I remember correctly, Jesus told us that He IS The Way.

HE is The Way.

I cannot count the times I have pondered over the past couple years how little we grasp how radical, crazy, and even heretical Jesus would have sounded to His own people, the Jews, God's own chosen Israel, when He walked the earth.  At times He directly contradicted their Scriptures.  Had Twitter been around back then, He almost certainly would have received a "Farewell" tweet from a well-respected rabbi (for church pastors did not yet exist) at some point.  We, myself included, need to spend more time camped out in the Gospels, reading about His life and ministry, realizing HE is a truer picture of God than ANYTHING else we've been given.  HIS example is the one we ought to follow first and foremost.

So while I still have a lifetime of transformation toward Christlikeness ahead of me, I've at least been pushed toward the decision in recent years to follow Him actively, even when people around me don't understand, or sometimes even disapprove of, certain choices because my expression of Christianity doesn't look like the version that has been handed down to them.  I grapple with this because I want people to like me and approve of me, but I'm finding that following Jesus just might mean risking my reputation as a "good little Christian girl" because He just might lead me to interact with and even love people who might be looked upon with disdain in some Christian circles.

The following posts are excerpts from my journal in which I've wrestled with this.  Read here Part 1 and Part 2.

{Blogger} Dashboard Confessional

image from Andrew Beierle

Sometimes I wonder if it seems as though I'm always pointing out and criticizing loveless behavior in others, particularly those in the church culture I grew up in, while remaining silent about my own faults.  The sad truth is I've been plenty guilty of loveless behavior myself, and it grieves me to remember certain episodes in my life that were marked by it.  There are many things I wish I'd said or done differently throughout my lifetime.  As Josh Garrels sings, "I'm holding on to hope that one day this could be made right..."  I can't go back and change the past, but to acknowledge some of these times when I failed to love seems to me as though it would be a step toward healing...


To my parents:
I am sorry for all the times I wasn't grateful for the countless ways you took care of our family through the years.  I remember complaining as a kid when we wouldn't go out to eat with other families on Sunday nights after church, not recognizing how hard it sometimes was just to put food on our table at home.  It serves as one small example of a million ways in which I have failed to appreciate you both.  But in my heart I have never stopped being thankful that you're my parents, or that you were the first people to lead me toward Jesus, and I'm sorry for the times I haven't shown that.

To my grandparents:
I am sorry for that time I stupidly listened to my Whiteheart cassette tape on headphones while we hiked the beautiful trails at Mt. Rogers instead of simply enjoying your company.  I'm sure it wasn't the only time I failed to show appreciation for the many wonderful experiences you made possible for me and Cassidy growing up.  So many of my favorite memories now are of times spent hiking or camping or boating or playing tennis or going on picnics with you, but I wonder how many times you had to drag me along, how many times I complained or, as in this instance, tried to tune out the experience just because it wasn't what I would have chosen to do at that moment.  I'm sorry for not savoring those times with two of my favorite people in the world.

To the young gay man who joined the singing ensemble I was part of in high school:
I am so sorry for how I looked down on you, joining in the jokes that were made behind your back about the stage name you supposedly used at some gay bar where you allegedly performed.  Is that even something someone young enough to be in high school would have been legally permitted to do?  Probably not, yet the rumors flew, and few (if any) of us bothered to ask such questions, opting instead to laugh at you with condescension.  Now, granted, you were never very friendly to us, either, but who knows how much mistreatment you had already faced before you ever met any of us that might have led you to hold yourself aloof?  It doesn't excuse my attitude toward you, and I'm sorry.

To the young girl in a youth group I used to work with in Tennessee:
I am so sorry for the time I chastised you for being excited about an upcoming youth convention, reminding you that not all of the Christian life is a mountaintop experience and we would be wrong to count on those high times to get us through the low ones -- as if God doesn't graciously give us all moments of relief and refreshment that do, indeed, help sustain us through life's hardships.  Why did I feel it so necessary to burst your bubble?  Your excitement was not a flaw, and I'm sorry for acting as though it was.

To my friend I once called out for including the word "ass" in a photo caption on Facebook:
I am so sorry for my self-righteous compulsion to make a mountain out of a very meaningless molehill.  I made you feel small and inadequate (and this was certainly not the only time), as though your choice of words somehow overshadowed the many wonderful things about you, like your love for Jesus and your deep compassion for others and the beautiful, creative soul He made you to be.  I'm so sorry for choosing to focus on the one thing I disapproved of at the time instead of shifting my thoughts to all the things I love about you.

To Adam Lambert (and to any fans of his or anyone who related to him in any way):
I am so sorry for condemning you during your time on American Idol because I didn't approve of your lifestyle or appreciate your often-dark musical choices.  I'm sorry for all the ridiculous things I posted on Facebook during those months, many of which I mercifully no longer remember, but the tone of which I recall being incredibly negative and judgmental.  I do remember once asking people to pray for three of your fellow contestants, as though you weren't good enough to be prayed for.  I'm so sorry for not simply seeing you through eyes of grace as a person with a soul and a lifetime of experiences I know nothing about.

To the one I tried so hard to control a few years ago (and honestly, this could be extended to many of my friends, though I have one particular person in mind at the moment):
I am so sorry for not trusting God to guide your decisions.  There had been a time when I was a major source of encouragement in your life, but as the months went on I felt more and more confident that I knew better than you did what you ought to pursue with the years that lay ahead of you, and I made it increasingly clear how much I disapproved of your desires.  I even threatened to distance myself -- empty threats, because the truth was I didn't want distance, I just wanted to manipulate your choices.  The deepest regrets of my life came during this period, and even now I fear you might be experiencing residual effects of how I treated you.  (And truthfully, I fear this for each person I'm addressing here, and probably for others I haven't thought of during this writing.)  I hope and pray God has relieved any of the burdens I helped to fashion in your life.  I pray you find freedom and beauty and life.  And I'm so sorry for working against these things, the very things Jesus came to bring us.

This post hardly even begins to scratch the surface of ways I've stripped my fellow humans of their God-given dignity as His image-bearers throughout my lifetime, but they are some of the moments that haunt me, even if I've accepted forgiveness for them and moved on.  Loveless behavior has not been a problem in church culture alone.  It has been a problem in me.

image from sallydell

These are some of the reasons I've come to cling so tightly over the past few years to Christ's call to love.  We're told in Scripture that love is greater than hope or even faith.  We're told it drives out fear and covers a multitude of sins.  We're told it is the singular thing that fulfills all of God's law.

I've spent too much of my life ignoring these facts, minimizing love's importance, attempting to redefine it in ways that allow me to see myself as better than others.  But increasingly my desire is to let go of my pride in order to love people well.

Jesus was full of love for souls wounded by the passions of men; he loved to bind up their wounds and to find in those very wounds the balm which should heal them.  Thus he said to the Magdalen:  "Much shall be forgiven thee because thou hast loved much," a sublimity of pardon which can only have called forth a sublime faith.  Why do we make ourselves more strict than Christ?  Why, holding obstinately to the opinions of the world, which hardens itself in order that it may be thought strong, do we reject, as it rejects, souls bleeding at wounds by which, like a sick man's bad blood, the evil of their past may be healed, if only a friendly hand is stretched out to lave them and set them in the convalescence of the heart?
-Alexandre Dumas-fils

I'm publicly repenting of the times I've tried to be "more strict than Christ."  I want the rest of my life to be led by His example of humility and marked by love.  Not control.  Not selfishness.  Not arrogance.  Not self-righteousness.  Love.

A Year of Lament, Part 3

image from eszter dobay

Monday, February 16, 2015

Dear one, if you are in a season of healing, then let God heal you.  He can be found anywhere.  He certainly isn't contained within a building, for the love.  If you need to rest, rest.  But maybe one day when you're ready, you can try again.  There is a safe faith community for you.  This I know.  It exists.  It may be some teeny, tiny little place.  It may be some big, fancy loud place.  It may be with the Episcopalians or with a home church.  Who knows? 

And you are an important part of it.  It's not just that you will receive.  You will give too.  We need you.  You bring something special and important to the body and don't forget it.  God heals all of us through each other.  It's this crazy weird miracle... 

You are so loved and precious.  God can bind up even the worst wounds.  And His people can be so beautiful, so loving, so healing.  I pray you find them, in whatever context, wherever you are, exactly as you are. 

-Jen Hatmaker

In today's headlines is a story of ISIS beheading 21 Christian Egyptian men.  And I wonder as I read about such things how the hell the church continues to fire shots at its own.  I've just watched as way too many people have become collateral damage, left broken along the side of the road, over the past year in a quest for "truth," for the sake of pet doctrines that betray our prideful self-righteousness, for the ability to move forward with organized institutions without the inconvenience of working through tough spots.

And I'm weary of the casualties.  I'm weary of those who are doing the wounding going uncontested.  I'm weary of our insistence upon neatness, upon homogeneity.  I'm weary of having a heart that constantly feels stuck in tension, torn between different directions.  I'm weary of organizations taking precedence over individual lives.  I'm weary of doctrines and structures being given priority over LOVE.

My heart is tired.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling jaded and cynical.  I'm tired of every flame of hope that gets kindled in my heart being inevitably doused with another ousting, another proclamation of error in the lives of others.

Jesus came seeking those who lived life on the fringes.  He offered an easy yoke and a light burden.  He proclaimed freedom and life.  He spoke and dined with those with whom it was taboo to speak and dine.  Aching, broken outcasts were drawn to Him.

How did we, His people, become those doing the casting out, causing the ache, creating the brokenness?

I ran across an article recently chastising those who criticize the modern American evangelical church because, since the Church is Christ's bride, it ought to be loved.  It's not the first time I've heard such an argument, and it's not without some merit, yet I wonder how we can make such a blanket statement when a large portion of the Old Testament is devoted to the voices of prophets who spent their lives calling Israel -- God's chosen people -- out for how they had strayed from His design.  The prophets didn't call them out for not being religious enough -- on the contrary, it was noted repeatedly that they did well with all their religious rituals.  What was sorely lacking was love:  love for God in the form of an actual active relationship and heart connection, and love for fellow man in the form of justice and mercy.

In the present-day representation of God's people in the Church, we may think we've got the "loving God" part down, but throughout Scripture it is made clear that one cannot love God without loving his fellow man.  We're told that mercy is better than sacrifice.  If the nation of Israel was repeatedly rebuked for lacking love and mercy, how much more so ought we to be -- we who claim to follow Jesus, lover of the sinner and outcast, not only in word but in DEED as He took part in their lives?

If there's one thing I've come to believe as I continue to grieve the lack of sacrificial love I see in the Church, it's that the prophets' hearts were constantly wracked with grief for the very people to whom they preached.  It is joyless to watch the ship that was sent to rescue people sink because of its own passengers' volatile determination to shape the vessel into their own images.

Sometimes I feel like I can't stand one more day in the machine that's flattening people as fast as -- or faster than -- it's setting anyone free.  I don't want to be implicated any longer in the choices that are leaving people bloodied on the side of the road...

In contrast to my pain and frustration and grief, thank You, Jesus, for the fresh, springlike air that fills this unseasonably warm February afternoon.  Thank You for people who love me, for people who understand me, and for people who don't understand me but love me anyway.  Please help me to love well and to be a conduit of healing, not hurt; of life, not death; of freedom, not chains.

Read here the Introduction, Part 1, and Part 2.

A Year of Lament, Part 2

image from matteo canessa

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Well, perhaps I won't be writing as frequently as I'd hoped or imagined.  And maybe this is going to be a book of laments.  My spirit is definitely troubled again today.

Today I'm troubled after reading Tony Kriz's account of how he was asked to leave his ministry at Reed College.  Someone dared to challenge the accepted norms in American Christianity and was deemed "dangerous" and removed.  What troubles me most is the fact that the supposedly "dangerous" practices/teachings look way more like Jesus' life and ministry than the "safe,"
acceptable norms we insist upon.  The more I hear about things like this, the more I wonder how in the world we've reached such an extreme cognitive dissonance that we don't even recognize how opposed our American conservative evangelical ideologies and methodologies too often stand to the ways of Jesus.  I can't help but be grieved again and again to see how little we look like Him and how oblivious we are to that fact.

Lord, have mercy.

I think back to our conversation in class Wednesday night about how Israel's great failure was repeatedly forgetting her identity as the people of God, which led her to neglect what had been handed down and instead to adopt the ways of the surrounding nations that did not know or trust God, nor look out for their fellow man.  We today often make the same mistake, forgetting our identity as Christ-followers and neglecting what was handed down to us through Him and His church.  We've adopted the ways of our culture, treasuring our independence, capitalism, and consumerism and largely ignoring the voices around us crying out for hope and healing.

How have we strayed so far, Lord?  How can we be brought back?  Can You restore our humility?  Can You make us agents of hope and healing again?

Lord, have mercy.

Read here the Introduction, Part 1, and Part 3.